March 14, 2006

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Hot chocolate day

Dominique and Clair both asked if I was okay. I was, you know. The Skype party last Saturday was a fantastic way to start my day, and my friends here could tell you how I was floating. But I guess it wasn't obvious...

... and I find myself hating this in-between life.

I don't hate Canada. Despite the weather, Canada has been nothing but nice to me. It's starting to be sunny again, too, which is good.

I hate being away from home. I hate being away from the people I love. And I really, really, really hate how technology gets in the way those few times we do get to talk. Between jokes about confessionals and people trying to fool me with their voices, I just don't get the sense tht I'm talking to my friends, y'know?

I want to be able to waste time with my friends, chatting about random things. I want to be there for their hot chocolate moments. I want to be able to give my mom a hug without her asking for it. I want to be in their lives, not just on the periphery.

Happiness is the feeling that you are doing the right thing in the right place at the right time. Sometimes I am almost happy. When I'm working on documentation, when I'm cooking for friends, when I'm reading, I can almost feel that I'm here for a reason.

Sometimes, like now, I am the opposite of happy. Then I go and have hot chocolate, and I wear my happy socks, but it isn't the same. Even if I do something nice for a friend, it's not enough to shake off that feeling of being... mis-placed.

I can't do this if people at home have doubts. I feel guilty for not writing as often as I should. E-mail is too distant for me, too deliberate. Everything reminds me of the distance, even Skype. I've loved aking up to chat with my parents and Dominique, but it is even harder to wake up and not find them there. I don't really want to talk about anything, I just want to hear, "I love you."

Damn my potential. Damn my destiny. I hate living between worlds...

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Random Japanese sentence: 彼は猫を二匹飼っている。一匹は黒でもう一匹は白だ。 He keeps two cats: one is black, and the other white.