Weaning

A- hates weaning. She’s desperate to reconnect. I wish I had more patience or cleverness for a gentler approach, but I’m all done with nursing, so we’ve gone cold-turkey.

All I can do is to accept her rages and pleas, snuggle her close when she wants (“Tighter!” she says), give her space when she wants (“That’s my body!”), offer milk and food and hugs, and not take her rejection personally. (“I like Daddy more than Mama!” “That’s okay with me.”)

I am okay with her being upset. I’m okay with giving her an outlet for her feelings, and being there for her until anger melts into sadness, or through the cycles of falling asleep crying and waking up screaming.

I’m also okay with taking care of myself (bathroom breaks, cat-naps) so that I can take care of her. W- is awesome.

Thank goodness for the mercurial moods of toddlers. It’s hard to go from calm to angry tantrum in the space of a few minutes, but fortunately she also sometimes switches out of a tantrum, so I know she’s okay.

It’s also mind-boggling to know that as much as she resists, she says she’d still rather spend time with me than with a babysitter, even when I’m low-energy. Even in the middle of a tantrum, she gestures for me to lie down too and snuggle her closer. Even though she says she doesn’t want me to say no or to set limits, she also says she wants me.

Of course, once W- is home, she’s all about him. (“Private time, Mama! Please go somewhere else.”) That’s cool too.

While we’re working on this, everything else is on hold. I need as much sleep and space as I can that I can give her as much patience and support as she needs. I misjudged it one night, staying up for an hour of consulting and an hour of planning. Four hours later, she woke up and refused to settle. The next night, I was so exhausted that I cried, and she was even more distressed by my tears. W- woke up again, calmed her down simply by taking her out of the room, and let me have a much-appreciated start on sleep.

She’s slowly coming around. She still asks, but she doesn’t rage as much now. I can acknowledge that she wants to nurse, comfort her, and offer something else. Helping her sleep is still a challenge, but at least she settles back down when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She wakes up grumpy and wanting to nurse, but the mood passes by breakfast.

It’s a lot to get through, but we’ll get through this together.