The prince is amazed–and a little perturbed–at how Cinderella lives with such passion and conviction. She's alive in a way unlike her stepsisters, her stepmother, and all the people at court are not.

It's tempting to let my passions lull, to lose them in the bustle of everyday, to moderate them in order to be like others, to fritter away time and energy. But I know what I love doing: I love helping people connect and collaborate. So I'm going to. =)

This week gave me an opportunity to think about time, work, and money.

I had spent much of Sunday and my evenings on conference-related work. As much as I enjoyed the opportunity to reach out and touch people I wouldn't ordinarily get to meet, I also realized that it was time I took away from my personal projects and my other relationships. By the time the conference wrapped up on Wednesday, I was looking forward to a quiet day working at home.

Although I'd already worked the typical number of hours for the week, I still felt that I needed to keep working on Thursday and Friday. I wanted to make some more progress on my main billable project, and I was also helping a number of volunteer efforts get off the ground. I put in a full day of work on Thursday, and I headed into the office on Friday.

After I did some more work on my main billable project, demonstrated some of our internal Web 2.0 tools, and replied to my e-mail, I looked into the process for filing overtime. I had given the company my personal time because the company wanted the value I could create, so I figured that I should be able to get some of that value back. I knew I could be compensated in either money or time, but I needed to do some paperwork.

Catching myself getting frustrated by the process for filing overtime, I decided to put off the paperwork until next week and enjoy some of the time that I had earned.

Don't get me wrong–I love the opportunities I have to grow and work with such wonderful people. I just want to make sure that I'm living the values that I want to live, because I won't be effective if I'm not authentic. This doesn't mean that I don't love my work. This means I love it enough to want to always love it, instead of coming to resent it or losing touch with myself.

During my commute back, I looked at the options of no overtime, overtime for money, overtime for time, and free overtime, thinking about their effects on my happiness, relationships, increased opportunities to help, career progress, and bank balance. This is the chart I sketched on the subway ride home.

VALUES: Personal happiness and relationships are very important to me. I enjoy opportunities to help, but I'm not too worried about it because there are more than enough awesome opportunities to reach out and make a difference, both inside and outside work. I think about but am not overly concerned with career growth, because that tends to follow opportunities to help. Money is flexible. I don't mind growing wealth and I'd like to share in the value I create, but because I enjoy being frugal and I don't have many financial demands, I'm not driven to earn more and more.

OPTIONS:

No overtime: If I try my best to stay within the 40-44 hours that forms a "typical" work week, I think this will have a terrific effect on my happiness and my relationships. I'll be able to explore other areas, exercise my creativity, and keep myself from going overboard. I'll miss out on some opportunities to help at work and my career won't progress as quickly as other people's might, but I'll have more opportunities to help outside work and those opportunities may turn into things that can make money for me, too. This doesn't stop me from volunteering on things I love about work during my free time (but only the things I love!). =) What will I do with the rest of the time? Experience new things, think, learn, write, dream, doodle, listen, share, grow…

Overtime compensated by money: Ideally it would be overtime for something I really enjoy and would be doing anyway, but even in that case, I'd still have to deal with the paperwork. Once I sort out the paperwork, though, this will be less stressful. (I should revise this chart after I complete the process a number of times.) On the downside, I might find myself doing overtime on things I don't particularly care about, in which case I'll probably feel the strain of not enough rest, reflection, or creative randomness. I may also end up finding it easier to focus on work than on relationships, so that's not too good either. In addition, money is flexible, but time is irreplaceable. On the upside, it'll open up more opportunities to help at work, it would be good for my career (particularly that utilization target), and it would grow my bank balance (well, after taxes). It's also a good way of making sure that I spend time on things that other people will find valuable.

Overtime compensated by time later on: This depends on the circumstances. I would need to fill out paperwork and coordinate with my team members, which will take effort. On the other hand, if this allows me to move time around so that I can have more chunks of free time, then that can work out well for personal happiness and relationships. If I can put in work when demand is high and take time for myself when demand is low, then my opportunities and career would probably be positively affected. On the other hand, there will probably always be demand, and it's hard to take a break when other people are working hard.

Free overtime: I can skip the paperwork, but that doesn't solve the problem of being more stressed because I give up time spent on rest, reflection, learning, or relationships. It's good for opportunities and career, and has a neutral effect on money.

SUMMARY: My intuition tells me that the no overtime case gets me closest to living my values without too much stress, and even if that might limit my career advancement, it opens so much more of life to me. Overtime for money and overtime for time are pretty much tied, but it'll be a moot point because overtime is going to be phased out for my job category next year. Free overtime is good for the company, but it doesn't help me confront and try to live my values, and it's too easy to get sucked into work.

I'm going to work on the paperwork so that I can get what I'm eligible for and so that I can understand the process. After that, I'll avoid working overtime unless the company really really needs it, and then I'll see if I can either take that as time off (preferably) or as money.

I think it's good to think out loud about things like this. I've learned more about my tradeoffs, and I'd love to hear your insights. If my employer disagrees with the way I currently think, I'd rather hear about it now (and maybe work out a different view?) than later. It doesn't mean that I don't love my work. Again: all this means I love it enough to want to always love it, instead of coming to resent it. I hope that by thinking about my values and decisions, I can make the fit better and better.

I'm really lucky to know people like Stephen Perelgut, who reminded me in his e-mail:

And, for the record, you are in a rush. You may not know it yet, but you're very ready for a mentor. Just accept that the inner-parent in me "knows".

I need a mentor. I need more than one mentor, actually. If I'm thinking of being in Canada for a while, I'll need a whole new personal board of directors. I miss talking to my parents, my godparents, and other people back home. It's hard to talk about everything, though, because so much context is missing. I can't blog everything, and it's hard to explain things over the Internet! I need people I can talk to here.

I'm growing rapidly, and opportunities unfold everywhere I turn. I need to make sure that I'm growing sustainably and in the right direction(s). I have a lot of hats on at the moment, and I'm having a hard time fully living up to some roles. Here's what's on my plate:

• Graduate student (MIE1402, KMD2004)
• Researcher (IBM CAS project, University of Toronto)
• IBM 2.0 evangelist - I could do a whole lot more than I am right now
• Graduate House Council member - sustainable
• VP Education, Toastmasters - I don't do enough to help out with this
• Daughter, sister - I don't keep in touch well enough
• Friend - I don't keep in touch well enough

And somewhere in there is the networking I also care about and love doing...

I have a number of goals, too, and I need help figuring out which goals really matter to me and how I can go about accomplishing them. My short-term goals are easy to figure out:

• Finish my schoolwork.
• Finish my thesis.

But I'm not spending all my waking hours doing these things because I'm also trying to build a few more things before I need them. An excellent professional and personal network. A personal brand. Useful skills.

I remember how my very first roommate finished her project with CAS, looked up, and found herself without any job offers despite having a MS from the University of Toronto. I don't think I'll be in that situation, and even if I were, I have confidence in my contingency plans. (I can do a lot of cool stuff in the Philippines!) So it's not that I'm in a rush to do all of these things, to write that bestselling book, etc. I know there's time.

I have to admit, though, that it's *very* hard to resist the urge to focus on things outside my short-term goals. I feel that I could make such a difference if I concentrate on, say, IBM 2.0 evangelism: pour myself into it, devote my energies to it, make it happen. I feel that the time would be right for such things, too. Thanks to the constant reminders of my research manager (Hi Julie!) and the occasional restraining hand placed on my head (Stephen's figured out how to get me to stop bouncing, at least temporarily), I do manage to resist it. Barely.

This is one of the reasons why I really need a board of directors whom I can tell about opportunities, ask for advice, think things out loud with, hold myself accountable to...

And I'm surrounded by wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people whom I am glad to have as part of my life and whom I would love to include in whatever successes I may have.

Quinn Fung, Dan Howard, and Jed Smith have taught me so much about love and friendship. I owe them big time.

Stephen Perelgut is practically on my board already, what with all his help and support. I'm really, really grateful for his help.

Gabriel Mansour has volunteered to be on my board. He's my crazy-idea go-to person who can enthuse about my crazy ideas and help me figure out how to make things happen.

Ian Garmaise has taught me a lot about networking and speaking, and I look forward to learning more from him.

There are others, but it's 2 in the morning and I need to sleep at some point. =) And of course, there's my extended circle of mentors, and that could include you reading my blog: thank you for putting up with my random thoughts and telling me about everything from how to prepare really good oatmeal to free software evangelism opportunities!

So yeah, I need a board of directors. They don't have to read my blog (I write way too much), but I'd like to keep in touch with them quarterly at least. Probably monthly, as I'm changing so much. I need that help as I'm growing. I also need to find role models who have succeeded at the things I want to do, so that I can learn from their insights...

I'm 23 years old. I haven't quite figured out life yet. With your help and theirs, I'm slowly getting there.

E-Mail from Stephen Perelgut

On Technorati: life, reflection, career

Random Emacs symbol: ps-mule-plot-composition - Function: Generate PostScript code for plotting composition in the region FROM and TO.

He turned the question around, asking, "What is a good life?"

That made me think about what I value and what I want.

One of the things that I want to improve in my life is integrity. I feel guilty about thank-you cards I haven't finished and e-mail I haven't yet responded to. A friend recently passed away, and I hadn't visited her or finished writing the card. I think that going back and taking care of all of these things would be the best way to spend my time. I want to get into the habit of keeping my task list sorted out. I'll do the bare minimum I need to fulfill my other responsibilities until I've (re)gained a sense of integrity.

I should make that happen. When I do, all other things will be easier.

On Technorati: life, reflection

I have a lot of options ahead of me, and I want to think about this carefully. My first job doesn't have to be perfect, but it would be good to understand what my values and priorities are. I want to be extraordinary. I know, I'm 23 and my direction in life will change as I discover more about myself and about others. =) But it's good to think about it every now and then...

So here's where I stand, so far:

These are the two prospects I feel most passionate about, and I may be able to pursue them both. I don't want to be so heads-down in tech that I serve a narrow audience—only the users of my system—nor do I want to be so heads-down in management that I lose touch with my technical side. I think I can make this happen, though.

So, how can I go about doing that?

For social systems, there are all sorts of little things that I would like to build for myself or suggest to other people. I can learn good design through exposure and experience. I can write about features and systems I would like to see. I can even prototype them. I should spend some time learning how to make better user interfaces (a proper mouse may help!) and prototyping things on Rails or some other quick platform. Easy enough for me to get into.

For outsourcing, there might be a good opportunity to help set up a relationship between Direct Leap and either QSR or Exist. I know a few people who want to help me learn how to do this. I'm all for it!

My master's degree can help me with both. My research is related to the former, and my coursework is related to the latter.

Hmm. Sounds like a good plan. I've got other plans, just in case, but these are the two best plans at the moment.

On Technorati: purpose, reflection, career, business, outsourcing

One of the thoughts I took away from last night's Social Tech Brewing session is both discouraging and reassuring: we really can't have it all.

Reassuring because I am not expected to even try to have it all—but discouraging because I am multi-dimensional and stubborn and want it all anyway!

Many people address this problem by dividing their lives into stages: single-mindedly focusing on business, then developing their personal lives and finding their meaning when they've established themselves, when they have enough. Or the other way around: building their family and deepening their ties to the community, then returning to the workforce when the children have left the nest or when they've accomplished something meaningful enough.

But what is enough, and what happens to the rest of their selves?

I believe I can have the strength to walk away from opportunities. I've done so before, and it gives me great pleasure to pass those opportunities to other people. (It often works out much better, too!)

Still, I see how it's difficult for my mom to disentangle herself from the business and pursue other things that would enrich her life. I also see how it's almost impossible for one of my friends to abandon her family and pursue a career.

I am more than a technologist. Social conditioning or not, it makes me happy to lift someone's mood with a smile or a hug, just as it makes me happy to make someone's day with a snippet of custom Emacs Lisp code. Sometimes, the best thing I can do with my time is to write about my research. Other times, it is to take a friend out for a massage and listen to her intently. I hack, I geek, but I also mediate and nurture, whether I do so by teaching or encouraging or listening.

If I choose to focus on one aspect of myself, how will I nurture all the other aspects of me? I will not have a life that addresses only one side.

I want to be myself every inch of the way, even if it means walking slowly as I figure out each step.

On Technorati: reflection, life

I think I came to those thoughts because of various heavy things Simon and I had been talking about over the weekend, like the senseless tragedy of the war in Lebanon.

Looking around at my room, I poked fun at my inability to keep things as neatly organized as people here have. I said even after a year in Canada, I still hadn't gotten used to it, and I'd probably make room in my professional budget for managed housing or a housekeeping service.

Reflecting on that further, though, I realized that that weakness of mine wasn't a core part of my identity and that it should never be. I _can_ keep things neat if I take the time to, and if I can't make the time for that, then I should scale back my life until I can.

This led me to think about the difficulties people had around me, and thus the existential angst. With all these problems in the world, what am _I_ doing to help? Is what I'm doing with my research really worth it?

Instead of ignoring it or lying awake thinking about it, I pulled out a flashlight and one of my reflection books. There in brightly-colored markers were all these diagrams showing how I felt about life and what I wanted to do. (Thanks, Diane Lazaro, for giving me a creativity kit!)

In large blue letters, one page read: "I WANT TO TELL STORIES!" With that reminder, everything clicked into place again. I'm doing my master's research in social computing because I want to learn how to effectively tell stories about technology, not just because I want an excuse to stick around in Canada for a while. I'm part of Toastmasters and I'm exploring writing because I want to tell stories.

I want to tell stories because so many people have such interesting stories that can touch the lives of thousands and thousands of other people. I want to draw people's stories out and help them understand themselves more. I want to tell stories that will help people imagine what they can do with technology or how they can improve their relationships with other people.

Maybe that's how I can change the world. =)

I'm glad I drew those diagrams before. I love writing and drawing and talking and thinking. I know I'm going to run into similar questions again and again—I'm human, I forget myself—and having something to go back to gives me great joy.

On Technorati: reflection, purpose

Random Japanese sentence: 虎を大きな猫というなら、同じように猫を小さな虎といってもよい。 You may as well call a cat a small tiger as call a tiger a big cat.

One of the activities we ask them to undertake is to envision themselves ten years hence and then plot a course to reach that vision. I read through the assignments. While many students sounded pretty grounded, others, well, let's just say they need a reality check. Many were aspiring for large houses in exclusive subdivisions, luxury cars, and trips abroad. While there is nothing wrong with these dreams, I wonder whether they seriously contemplated the sort of professions they have to have in order to afford all of these. I also wonder if they asked themselves whether they will be qualified for this profession by the time they are 28.

How do I see myself ten years from now? Who do I want to be at 32 or 33?

Here's how I want to see myself at 32:

My work engages both my technical and social sides and helps me grow as a person. I write and speak about technology and how people can make the most of it. I am just starting out then, establishing myself in my field, but I show promise.

I set aside at least 20% of my work time for exploring new things and ideas, like the way Think!Friday is encouraged within IBM and the way Google has 20% time.

I am in an environment where I meet lots of interesting people and where I feel safe and energized. If this is not in the Philippines, I still maintain ties with the Philippines.

I am prepared for the next stage in my life because I have invested time in finding some things I can do really well and through which I can create a lot of value for others. I am beginning to prepare for the other stages in my life by regularly investing money.

I am in a solid, committed relationship which is for mutual joy and growth. Having met many people both in and out of relationships, I feel that I might do well in one. (I don't know exactly how that will work out just yet.)

Step by step, step by step. Someday I'll be all that, maybe even by 32.

On Technorati: life, reflection, vision

Random Japanese sentence: あいつ追いつめられたら何するか分からないぞ。窮鼠猫を噛むってこともあるからな。気を付けるに越したことはない。 I wouldn't push him too far. You don't know what he might do. I'd say you can't be too careful. They say even a doomed mouse will bite a cat if he has no choice. [M]

Sacha, saying that you don't want to be a programmer in the 21st century because you don't want Marketing between you and the user is like saying you didn't want to be a programmer in the 20th century because you didn't like waiting for the operator who carries your stack of punch cards to the computer. The way software development gets organized is always changing. It's getting lighter weight all the time.

And he's right, you know. I enjoy stitching systems together and thinking of just the right tool(s) to fit people's needs. I love working with people to figure out how they can make those tools a part of their lives. I need more actual practice doing this, I think - the technology evangelism I'm doing at IBM is barely a taste - but it seems like a lot of fun.

I want to be a technosocial architect. From Thomas Vander Wal's description:

Looking at the digital tools we have around us: websites, social computing services and tools (social networking sites, wikis, blogs, mobile interaction, etc.), portals, intranets, mobile information access, search, recommendation services, personals, shopping, commerce, etc. and each of these is a social communication tool that is based on technology. Each of these has uses for the information beyond the digital walls of their service. Each of these has people who are interacting with other people through digital technology mediation. This goes beyond information architecture, user experience design, interaction design, application development, engineering, etc. It has needs that are more holistic (man I have been trying to avoid that word) and broad as well as deep. It is a need for understanding what is central to human social interactions. It is a need for understanding the technical and digital impact our tools and services have in mediating the social interaction between people. It is a need for understanding how to tie all of this together to best serve people and their need for information that matters to them when they want it and need it.

Maybe I can hack code _and_ people. =)

On Technorati: career, purpose, reflection

Random Japanese sentence: 彼女がドアを開けるやいなや猫が走り出た。 No sooner had she opened the door than a cat ran out.

My background is in computer science, and I spent almost all my summers in high school training for programming competitions. I was a geek's geek, with algorithms and code coming out of my ears. I still enjoy writing code to make things work. =) I'm much more comfortable reading other people's code and making sense of it than other people I know - apparently, a rare thing. ;) I also enjoy writing documentation. These two factors cause most people to doubt my existence. What, a programmer who likes reading other people's code _and_ writing documentation?! Right up there with unicorns and dragons, mate. ;)

But that's not all of who I am, and I get the sense that's not what I'm best suited for.

In yesterday's conversation about the meaning of life and other things, Simon Rowland pointed out that I'm more relationship-driven than technology-driven. When I argued that I'm still a technologist at heart, he laughed and pointed out that even my Emacs Lisp coding is motivated by contact with people. The reason why I enjoyed working on Planner so much was because I could make people really happy by writing code to fit their editor and personal information manager to their particular needs. And it wasn't people in abstract, people in general, but rather one person at a time, with completely idiosyncratic code that I might never reuse.

I like working with technology on a human scale. I love personalizing things. I love working one-on-one with people. I don't like being abstracted away from users. I want them to be able to yell at me when something goes wrong, and I want them to be able to express their appreciation when things go right. I don't want to deal with market studies and hypothetical users. I want names and faces and stories.

I guess that's why software development or system administration don't really appeal to me as careers. I know a lot of developers and sysads who enjoy their work and are doing cool things, but their work doesn't strike a chord in me. I love developing skills that aren't part of the traditional developer profile. I love writing and public speaking, and I want to do that as part of my day job instead of just something I do on the side.

Some people have advised me to take a code monkey job, just for the heck of it. Just to gain experience and give myself more time here in North America, you know. As tempting as it is, though, my instinct? feeling? sense? tells me that there might be a better path. If it's at all possible for me to follow my passion at each step, I'd rather do that and be exceptional rather than be a mediocre programmer.

When I ask myself what I'd do if I could work without thinking about money, what I'd do even if no one paid me to, the answer that consistently comes up is: spend the entire day reading, learning, teaching, writing, speaking, meeting people. I don't see myself building robust, featureful systems or crafting beautiful code. I see myself drawing attention to other people's stories, connecting different ideas, introducing people to people and things that could change their lives. At the end of my life, I don't want people to remember me for some program I wrote, but rather for the changes that I helped them make in their lives, what I inspired them to do, who I inspired them to be.

So yes: although I can code, a job that involves only that aspect of me will not be able to make the most of me.

This probably disappoints some of my college teachers who'd rather I were in "hard" computer science - cryptography, graph theory, whatever - but that's the way it is, and I want to explore that aspect of myself.

How does that translate into a career? It's not exactly the kind of thing you'll find advertised on Monster.com. I'll probably spend the rest of my master's thinking about enterprise social computing and how people can make the most of blogs, wikis, social bookmarking, podcasting, and related technologies. I would like to stay in North America for at least a few more years because I'm learning so much from the tech culture here, so I'll need to offer enough value to a company to sponsor my work permit. I'd like to think that I can create enough value to justify the paperwork. ;)

In particular, I'd probably fit in well as someone who can support consultants and other people whose job it is to know about technology but who are too busy to learn about all these different things. I'm good at reading about lots of different things and looking at the connections. I'm also good at searching for supporting information and recommending things that might be useful. I've been complimented on my ability to get people enthused about something, and that extra boost might help people close sales. If you know any company that would be a good fit for me and that I would be a good fit for, I'd love to hear about it!

I'm also interested in writing, but that might be more of a medium-term thing. =)

If I can find a best-fit opportunity, all the better. If I'm not quite qualified to do that yet and I can't find a company that will take a chance on me and train me up, I'll consider other opportunities - but I definitely want something that engages not only my technological skills but also my social ones. =)

(Thanks for the comment, Raj! I love being prompted to reflect more because that makes me clarify my thoughts.)

On Technorati: career, life, reflection

Random Japanese sentence: 私は犬の方が猫より好きです。何故なら前者の方が後者より忠実ですから。 I like dogs better than cats, because the former are more faithful than the latter.

More:

• Luddite Geek also reflects or career path

Jacob Appelbaum's business card doesn't have anything but his name and a stylized photograph of an orchid. That's okay, because he's findable on the Net. He's on LJ, too. Reading his blog, I wish I'd gotten to know him more while he was in Toronto.

Also:

I want to walk through Trinity Bellwoods and spin fire in the large gully on a warm summers night.

Poi-ster! =) I'm glad I brought my poi to Pedestrian Sunday...

He's almost a nomad, a globetrotting geek. One of the coolest things about I.T. is that you can work from anywhere. This means, however, that it can be hard to find a place to call home. And it's hard to form ties, too.

Jake's moving to San Francisco soon, which is a great place and one of the cities I wouldn't mind getting to know inside out. Still, he wishes he could stay.

I am also between places. My situation is slightly different, but I can still relate. It doesn't make me feel as bad as it used to, but still...

I enjoy the vibe here, and I'd love to learn as much as I can from it. If I can serve as a bridge between here and the Philippines, all the better. And goodness knows how glad I am to be able to walk in a park or hang out with friends late at night or get around on my own without driving.

I wish I had the ability to wander as he does: to travel from place to place and get to know different people, to breathe a place in and know it inside out. Then I want to get to know one place really, really well... and then I want to bridge wherever that is and the country that still needs me.

Having to apply for visas everywhere makes Plan A difficult, though. Oh well, I'll think of Plan B. =)

Someday I'll need a home, but maybe I can get away with not having one just yet.

On Technorati: reflection, place

Random Japanese sentence: そのねこを怒らすとひっかくよ。 The cat will scratch if you provoke.

I'm not a technology evangelist as much as I am a storyteller. I can tell stories about non-technological things, and in fact I _love_ telling stories about so many different things and so many different people.

That's it! I want to tell stories!

Here's how my grad school research ties into it. My master's thesis will be about how to tell newbies stories about a social computing system so that they can understand the value of the system, so that they'll _get_ it.

I'm looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I plan to be on the first bus out and the last bus back so that I can catch up on all the stories on the blogosphere. I'm looking forward to writing, to calling attention to other people's stories. I'm looking forward to preparing more talks and articles, polishing stories and facts and ideas into presentations that might persuade people to try things out. That's what my life purpose translates to in terms of my very next action.

Short-term? Let's talk about one year. My master's thesis is one of my top priorities, of course, and I see it as a good reason for me to find out if stories are useful and what kinds of stories might help people understand social bookmarking. Orgchart, location, network? Lots of other ways to take advantage of someone's context... Anyway, it's shaping up to be a really exciting project, and something that I'd love to see translated into other areas like blogging.

No, I have no idea yet how I can make a living through storytelling. I want to learn how to write books and speak well. I may need to figure out what to do in the middle, while I'm still not "respectable"... <laugh>

I want to listen to people's. I want to tell people's stories. I want to learn about how to do those two things really, really well.

On Technorati: purpose, life, reflection

Random Japanese sentence: １匹の猫がカーテンの陰から現れた。 A cat appeared from behind the curtain.

I've received a number of compliments on my listening skills. It's rather odd to think about that. I've been asked to sit up front in a presentation because I'm an enthusiastic listener, complimented on my ability to include people in conversation and help them feel at ease, thanked for helping people relax and express their thoughts... I want to play to my strengths. I want to be an even better listener and conversationalist and host.

I see listening as a way of drawing people out. I've experienced that before, shaping a conversation to bring people in. I feel distinctly uncomfortable when people are left out of conversations. I like giving people the opportunity to show different aspects of themselves. I also enjoy the dynamics of groups because people bring out such fascinating aspects in others.

I'm lucky that I got to practice this so much at home. I loved bringing my mom into conversations with my friends, knowing that she loves discussions and that she and my friends would get along well. I'm thrilled to hear that even though I'm no longer part of their day-to-day lives, that link endures.

Maybe I do have value, then, as someone who listens and keeps stories and remembers and perhaps - from time to time - has something to add. Not much, yet, but eventually...

One of my mentors in the company also had insights to share:

Some people can't pass up a blank space in media without wanting to fill it in with their thoughts. Partially to create and partially to preserve a bit of themselves.

That's one value a student holds - especially one who presents a vast canvas that is well prepared for all the content and texture that's out there.

I am a canvas for conversations. Fill me with ideas and thoughts. I'll remember them and share them with others.

On Technorati: listening, reflection, life

Random Japanese sentence: 「はい、でも私は、ただのみっともないねこでございます」と、こねこは言いました。「だから、あなたが、どのねこが一番きれいかと、お聞きになったとき、私は何も言えませんでした。」 Oh, I'm just a very homely little cat, said the kitten, so when you asked who was the prettiest, I didn't say anything.

I don't have much business experience yet, and as geeky as I can be sometimes, I'm not as into technology as are people I know. Why should people want to spend time with me?

I'm a student, a wannabe, an apprentice of life. Right now, I can't really offer anything. No, that's not entirely true. I bring my comfort with technology, my experience of being alien (in a good way), my passion and enthusiasm and peace. Perhaps I also offer people an opportunity to pay back their own mentors for all the opportunities they've received, too.

It's silly of me to doubt life, considering how I've been so, so, so lucky in the past. At conferences and conventions, I've always managed to sit beside or otherwise discover people who totally inspire me. I don't deserve any of the breaks, but I should learn how to make the most of them so that I can share the benefits with other people.

I'm hungry for more knowledge, more learning, more connections. I'm excited and interested and alive. Maybe that's my value proposition for now - not that I'm some subject matter expert or anything, but that I'm curious. I should learn how to ask good questions and how to get to the heart of things. I also want to learn how to tell stories and write articles and books...

Other things: Hmm... I need to know who's who. Note to self: add business magazines to my weekly diet. That's what access to the university library and the dorm reading room gets me. And I _should_ take advantage of the library. We have access to all these journals and educational resources that businesses don't have. I should take advantage of that! Maybe that's part of the value I offer, too.

I can take risks. I can spend time learning about something that eventually pans out. I can try different things and get to know different people. Maybe that's part of it, too.

Hmm...

On Technorati: networking, reflection, life, student

Random Japanese sentence: 私たちは庭でかわいそうな小さな猫を見つけた。 We found a poor little cat in the yard.

I think I'll take a week off from certain issues in order to concentrate on my work. At the end of the week, I'll give the matter some more thought. It's not as cut-and-dried as I thought it was, and the conversation reminded me that there's more to now than now.

On Technorati: reflection, life

Random Japanese sentence: ジョンはディックを、もてあそんだ。 John played cat and mouse with Dick.

Happiness is knowing that I am in the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing.

When the fear of goodbyes clouds my vision of the future, friends, remind me that I don't have to know where I will be decades from now. All I have to know is that at each step, I am following my heart, my mind, and my conscience. Remind me not to feel guilty about my home nor to be afraid of becoming part of the brain drain. If I live for something greater than myself, then I belong to the world and not just to my country.

If my path leads back to the Philippines, I will strive to do my best there. If my path keeps me here in Canada for a while, then I will be fully here, not anxiously awaiting my return. Life will take me where I need to be.

I am here to learn as much as I can and to do whatever I can. If I am to live here, even just for a while, I want to live for something greater than myself. I want to be part of my community, wherever that may be. I want to make a difference.

And even in this country, there are things I can do...

On Technorati: reflection, purpose

Random Japanese sentence: 強盗は屋根からあの邸宅に入ったに違いない。 The cat burglar must have entered the mansion from the roof.

I am adrift, no stars to guide me. I can follow the current, but I must then follow alone... I should keep faith that when I am closer to shore, I will find what I need. In the meantime, let me do whatever I can. It is but one of the sacrifices I must make, and it is merely the sacrifice of something I have so recently discovered. May I have the strength to live without it!

"Where I am going, you cannot come."

On Technorati: reflection, lonely

Random Japanese sentence: あれはネコですか。 Is that a cat?

One of those knotty things hasn't really been mentioned in my blog, aside from oblique references to forks (metaphorical) and onions (literal). A friend reminded me that a lot of people care about what's going on in my life, though, so even though I try not to bore you with all the details of my almost-always-sunny life, here's one of the clouds.

For practical reasons, Dominique and I have decided to no longer be in an exclusive relationship. I still hold the greatest respect for him and I hope it'll work out in the future, but the timing sucks, and there's nothing we can do about it.

I've learned that life is so much better when I'm in a good relationship, or at least among good friends. I'm in no rush to get into a crappy relationship, though. Having tasted what a wonderful, wonderful thing love is, I won't lower my standards.

So what happens now?

Well, life goes on. My reading paper is due next week. My research proceeds. My friends and family are there for me. Life goes on, and spring brings the sun back.

In terms of people? I don't know. I really don't know. I don't have a good idea of my future yet, so courtship is out of the question. I'm not into dating for the sake of dating, and I'm accustomed to more affection and love than most people know.

Perhaps this is a good opportunity, then, to shower that affection and love on my friends. I am free, and I choose to remain free so that I can be where I am needed and wanted, and where _I_ need and want to be.

When I miss the feeling of being very, very special to someone, I can hug my stuffed toys and remember that I am at least a little bit special to at least a few people.

On Technorati: reflection

Perhaps I had gotten addicted to the instant payoff of happy people, to the feeling that I was making a difference in someone's life. Even though I was teaching rather inconsequential subjects (as I told myself every time I messed up a class), each aha! moment validated my existence. ;) From this distance, it's easy to gloss over my insecurity and remember only that I had so much fun teaching. I remember what I knew how to do and not what I didn't, but fortunately my blog has all the stories about emergency chocolate munching under desks.

Now that I can see it, I realize that intellectual laziness - fantasizing about something within my abilities instead of daring to stretch them - is not true to my values. The constant lesson of my childhood was "To whom much is given, much is expected," and so much has been given to me. I am not supposed to take it easy, to be content with what I know. I would be doing a disservice to my future students if I couldn't challenge them with or tell them stories about other teachers I've had, other projects I've worked on. I would be doing a disservice to other people if I didn't take advantage of the opportunities I have.

I shouldn't worry about whether IBM will have a place for me after I graduate or whether I'll get into graduate school if I choose to go for a PhD. I've lived all my life according to what I learned from my parents - make your own opportunities. If I make the most of life, if I am _here_ while I'm here, then I can choose what would be best for me.

I have to admit that it's still scary. I find it hard to imagine life here past August 2007 not because I hate Canada or my studies or IBM, but because I'm worried about losing ties to home. I feel guilty at the thought of being temporarily away from my country because I'm afraid to be permanently away, to be part of the brain drain, to be seduced into complacency by personal comforts. I'm afraid to become a stranger to my fr