Reasons for getting married (instead of continuing to cohabit):

• [X] Build a stronger foundation for long-term plans (including paperwork): Yup, really helps
• [X] Reduce social friction from uncertain relationships: Yup, worth it
• [X] Bring families together: More grown-up relationships, too

Our day-to-day lives are much like they were before the wedding, but being married has subtly changed things. Long-term planning is easier when you’ve got the commitments and paperwork in place.

It’s great being able to use familiar words that fit into social structures. I like being able to namedrop my husband, and I grin when W- tells a salesperson that he has to discuss things with his wife. J- occasionally refers to me as her stepmom when she’s talking to her friends or writing on her blog. It still takes some getting used to, but it’s handier than saying “my dad’s… umm… girlfriend? partner?” in situations when referring to people by name doesn’t give enough context.

Clear relationships also make it easier to relate to family. I get along better with W-‘s family now, I think. There’s been a shift in how I relate to my family, too – we’re more grown-up and less stressed.

Even though more people are going through life without marrying, it still seems that getting married is acknowledged as one of those growing-up milestones. The simple wedding ring I wear shifts small-talk conversations. People more frequently talk to me about kids than before. Thanks to being part of W- and J-‘s lives, I can relate to the anecdotes people tell of family and teenagers.

Life is great.

Next year

Next year promises to be exciting. We’ve developed great household routines like bulk-cooking, we’ve been tweaking our space for better flow and organization, and we’ve been improving our communication practices for an even stronger relationship. With a solid foundation in place, we can step up our game. Looking forward to it!

2011-10-02 Sun 15:20

You can view 7 comments or e-mail me at sacha@sachachua.com.

The book consists of short chapters that explore common conflicts and positive approaches in committed relationships. Each chapter includes one or two case studies, ways to recognize the conflict, and tips for resolving the conflict. This book is a good read for couples who are beginning to find themselves ensnared in repeating conflict patterns because they can identify and get tips for their situation. Couples who are starting out may also find it useful as a way to recognize potential conflicts before they become established.

• Flexibility
  
  

  Responsive	Reactive
  Good judgment	Critical judgment
  Expressing your true self	Conforming to a role
  Autonomy	Isolation
  Surrender	Submission
  Establishing space	Neglect
  Patience	Passivity
  Benign boundaries	Emotional tyranny
  Awareness of limits	Emotional recklessness
  Embracing change	Preserving the status quo

• Communication
  
  

  Taking responsibility	Blame
  Needs	Wants
  Detach	Withdraw
  Speaking up	Silence
  Giving the benefit of the doubt	Making assumptions
  Intimate listening	Hearing
  Influence	Control
  Constructive criticism	Destructive criticism

• Personal power
  
  

  Deciding	Craving
  Fighting fair	Fighting unfair
  Support	Protection
  Forgiving	Forgetting
  Good selfish	Bad selfish
  Family loyalty	Self-interest
  Joy	Happiness

You can e-mail me at sacha@sachachua.com.

Because shared experiences become stories that are told over and over
again.

On page 79 of “Work the Pond” (Darcy Rezac) is a powerful example of
how to build an incredible experience and get a story told not ten
times, but a thousand times. The Navy invited opinion leaders to
understand what the Navy does and to tell the Navy's story. They put
together a fantastic experience involving landing aboard and taking
off from an aircraft carrier and hanging out of top-gun pilots. But
they didn't just arrange this spectacle for the opinion leaders – they
were smart enough to include the spouses as well. This meant that
instead of the experience becoming, “Oh, no, not the carrier story
again!”, it became a treasured story to be told over and over again.

I remember a story my parents told me about giving people incredible
experiences. My parents understood that if you're going to give
someone an Experience with a capital E, that experience would be
magnified even more if they had someone to share it with. If they were
the only ones to, say, go on a helicopter flight, the stories would
wear thin or be almost unbelievable. If they had one friend along,
though, the stories would go on and on, growing more exciting with
each memory.

I've seen that among friends, too. Driving around town with the
Katz brothers was *amazing*. They completed each others' sentences,
refreshed each others' memory, built up each other's energy. Reliving
memories with my barkada (close group of friends) brings back the fun
and the laughter. (Peppy, remember all the ice cream we had after I
worked on your computer?)

I really appreciate being able to share all these experiences with
people. I think that's one of the coolest things about having long
relationships, and I'm looking forward to enjoying that even more with
my family and my friends.

Anyway. If you want to make something really special for someone, make
it possible for them to share the experiences and the stories with
at least one other person. =) “Remember when…” are such powerful words!

You can view 1 comment or e-mail me at sacha@sachachua.com.

The book goes into interesting detail about the neurological changes
that happen when people get lots of tender loving care. =) Quite
interesting reading.

My parents raised me with lots of affection and positive thoughts.
Perhaps that's also the reason why people find me calm during many
stressful situations, and I recover from disappointments quickly.
Here's the technical explanation:

• A loving action triggers serotonin production in the hippocampus.
• Serotonin stimulates a specific type of receptor on other hippocampal cells.
• Receptor activation results in the formation of cyclic-AMP and PKA,
  which prompts the production of receptors for cortisol (stress hormone).
• Extra cortisol receptors migrate to the surface of the hippocampus.

During times of stress, the adrenal gland produces cortisol, which
causes adrenaline effects to last longer, mobilizes fat for energy,
and shuts down the immune system. However, the additional cortisol
receptors tell the hypothalamus to calm the fight-or-flight response.
While the stressful stimulus is there, this signal is overridden.
However, when the stressor is removed, the extra cortisol receptors
make it easier for someone to calm down.

More notes later. In the meantime, thanks, Mama and Papa!

You can e-mail me at sacha@sachachua.com.