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Headlines for Saturday:
Work on research
If I've invited you to do something today, please accept my apologies and last-minute cancellation. I am currently in no condition to receive guests, and need to sort through some deeply disturbing things. I'm not sure if I can explain things over the phone or IM just yet.
Warm and fuzzy thoughts will be much appreciated.
Was propositioned over dinner last night by someone whom I had hoped would be a good mentor and friend. Firmly said no and left when I was too uncomfortable. Later that night, found myself losing touch with reality. Couldn't clearly remember more than a few minutes at a time. This freaked the heck out of me. Other things, too, disturbed me a great deal, but I need to sort that out later.
Right now, I need to feel safe. I need to feel loved. I need to feel good about myself.
I'm terrified that this will happen again and again in the future, just because I'm female and just because I am who I am.
I'm frustrated that I can't just get over it.
I'm ashamed because I wasn't myself afterwards.
I'm sad that other people live that kind of life.
And I'm *darned* lucky that the universe pulls me out of situations like this and that I have friends to run to when crazy stuff happens.
And I'm trying my best not to be angry or disappointed (but not for the reasons you might think)...
And I'm trying to fight off the panic, trying not to cry so hard I feel like throwing up, trying not to freak all of my friends out in the process... My rationalization engine's kicking in overtime trying to reassure me that it's good that I learn these lessons now, good that the circumstances were just right to keep me safe and all of that, but I'm still terrified and I'm still scared and I'm still trying my best to remember what makes me feel good about myself.
So it's time to break out the GoodKarma page and the Cute Overload blog, time to bring out the stuffed toys and the letters, time to wrap myself in the warm and fuzzy thoughts people are sending my way and would have sent my way had they heard about it in realtime...
But I don't want to ever have this feeling again.
Many many many thanks to Dan and Jed for coming over, reassuring me, and helping me sort things out. Warm and fuzzies back to Leigh, Quinn, Wayne, and all the other people who sent me thoughts of hot chocolate. Warm and fuzzies out to everyone else, too. Life is good.
Post-mortem to be friends-only-ed on LJ soon. Going out for dinner, walk, and long conversation.