I can't believe it. I'm actually _dreading_ class tomorrow, and the conflict is tearing my mind apart. I hate teaching. I hate the fact that I've come to hate teaching.
Today I spent hours trying to figure out a data mining package in time for class tomorrow. The interface had changed a bit, so I I dug up a recent tutorial and struggled to make sense of things. I could follow the tutorial, yes, but I couldn't _explain_ what was going on.
I couldn't go beyond the tutorial. I couldn't go beyond the predefined examples, beyond just clicking on what people tell me to click on. I _hate_ that. I hate myself for being limited to that.
This was a stretch for me, and I just can't make it. It's not a matter of spending more time on it. I could spend the hours I planned for the preparation of each class, but I still can't learn fast enough or deep enough to give real value to the class. There are some things I _can't_ learn on my own, at least not within the timeframe. I need _years_ to work with this material; years and interest, and I'm not even that keenly into it!
I can't continue with this. I can't get up there and talk about things I don't know about. I need to stop and think. I'm going to inconvenience a lot of people if I pull out of the course, but in the long run I think it will be better for my sanity to do so. My instincts are telling me to get out.
How do I explain this? How do I make them understand that if I went on to teach, I would hate myself even more? I'd rather not teach than teach horribly. The cost of breaking my promise is less than the cost of going against my principles. I'll pay for it either way, but I'd rather deal with my private failures than inflict them on the students.
I can't keep standing up there and talking about things I don't know anything about. The students deserve more than that. And if I give in to that pressure to just _teach_, to just keep talking, I'll lose myself.
I love teaching, but this isn't teaching. This is just _delivering_. This is just repeating whatever's in the tutorial. There's very little of my self in it, very little of my stories... I am not teaching. I am wasting people's time, and I hate myself for that.