Capsule summary

Was propositioned over dinner last night by someone whom I had hoped would be a good mentor and friend. Firmly said no and left when I was too uncomfortable. Later that night, found myself losing touch with reality. Couldn't clearly remember more than a few minutes at a time. This freaked the heck out of me. Other things, too, disturbed me a great deal, but I need to sort that out later.

Right now, I need to feel safe. I need to feel loved. I need to feel good about myself.

I'm terrified that this will happen again and again in the future, just because I'm female and just because I am who I am.

I'm frustrated that I can't just get over it.

I'm ashamed because I wasn't myself afterwards.

I'm sad that other people live that kind of life.

And I'm *darned* lucky that the universe pulls me out of situations like this and that I have friends to run to when crazy stuff happens.

And I'm trying my best not to be angry or disappointed (but not for the reasons you might think)...

And I'm trying to fight off the panic, trying not to cry so hard I feel like throwing up, trying not to freak all of my friends out in the process... My rationalization engine's kicking in overtime trying to reassure me that it's good that I learn these lessons now, good that the circumstances were just right to keep me safe and all of that, but I'm still terrified and I'm still scared and I'm still trying my best to remember what makes me feel good about myself.

So it's time to break out the GoodKarma page and the Cute Overload blog, time to bring out the stuffed toys and the letters, time to wrap myself in the warm and fuzzy thoughts people are sending my way and would have sent my way had they heard about it in realtime...

But I don't want to ever have this feeling again.