Sample weekday: 2012-04-25

In February 2012, I started my experiment with semi-retirement, shifting from working for IBM to consulting for a couple of clients. My week was still fairly typical, since I planned for 4-5 days of consulting each week. I usually biked or took the subway to the office, where I did some coding or consulting around enterprise social computing.

I wanted to experiment with different business models, so I also started doing some professional sketchnoting and illustration. I guess people liked stick figures. I did a few events here and there, but the semi- part of my semi-retirement was mostly consulting around enterprise social computing, collaboration and technology adoption, Javascript prototyping, and SQL queries.

2012 yearly review

Sample weekday: 2013-04-26

I continued to do a lot of consulting, but I started letting myself do some more fun stuff like Emacs and hanging out. The offset part towards the end of the year is when we went to the Philippines to visit family and attend a friend's wedding.

2013 yearly review

Sample weekday: 2014-04-21

I ratcheted consulting down further and I gave myself permission to work on more of my own things. I enjoyed hanging out at Hacklab.to.

2014 yearly review

Sample weekday: 2015-05-27

I continued to hang out at Hacklab and work on my own stuff, with a little bit of consulting. Towards the latter part of 2015 and the early part of 2016, I felt quite tired because of pregnancy, so I spent a lot more time relaxing.

2015 yearly review

Sample weekday: 2016-04-21

In February, A+ was born. Here's the obligatory visualization of how my sleep shattered into a million pieces and childcare took over my days and nights. If you have ever been the primary caregiver of an infant, you'll know what this is like.

… Sure didn't feel like 8.4 hours a day. Not enough continuous sleep, definitely foggy-brained. Although to be fair, babies also sleep a lot, and I tried to sleep during that time too.

Towards the end of the year, we took A+ to the Philippines to see family. We tried to do the usual short layover and that was miserable because of sleep deprivation, so our other flights included an overnight layover.

I decided that doing my yearly review twice a year was a bit excessive, so I moved to doing it in August for my birthday. This year was split between life as a 32-year-old and a 33-year-old.

Sample weekday: 2017-04-25

More childcare. We often went to playgrounds, libraries, EarlyON early childhood centres, museums, and the Ontario Science Centre. I often needed a nap in the evenings.

Another trip to the Philippines. The very regular section was probably when I didn't have a reliable way of updating my time tracker. (Yearly review split between life as a 33-year-old and a 34-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2018-05-08

We went on two trips to the Philippines. My dad died during the first one, and the second one was to keep my mom company. (Yearly review split between life as a 34-year-old and a 35-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2019-04-25

Sometimes I paid a babysitter so I could do some consulting, but A+ usually didn't like being away from me, so I just didn't do that much. This year was also our last trip to the Philippines before COVID changed the world. (Yearly review split between life as a 35-year-old and a 36-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2020-04-28

I started staying up to try to get stuff done. This was sometimes tricky to get right. If I stayed up too late and then A+ woke up early, I got cranky. I did much less consulting. The two dark blue lines towards the later part of the year represent EmacsConf. (Yearly review split between life as a 36-year-old and a 37-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2021-04-29

Still staying up to try to have some me-time. The dark blue boxes in the second half of the year show that I started taking a more active role in organizing EmacsConf, mostly by coding stuff late at night. (Yearly review split between life as a 37-year-old and a 38-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2022-04-25

A+ shifted to staying up late too, so I adapted by doing less. Trying to get her to go to bed earlier just resulted in grumpiness and crying. (Sometimes I was the one crying.)

I did a lot more automation for EmacsConf. Sometimes it was because she was attending virtual grade 1 during the daytime, and sometimes it was because she was just chilling out watching videos in the evening. (Yearly review split between life as a 38-year-old and a 39-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2023-04-25

A+ started grade 2. We had to wait a little while to get our exemption from synchronous learning approved, so we made an effort to attend school in the beginning. We eventually got the exemption, though. (Yearly review split between life as a 39-year-old and a 40-year-old)

Sample weekday: 2024-04-25

A+ started grade 3. Our application for an exemption from synchronous learning wasn't approved, so A+'s schedule (and mine) tended to follow the school schedule except for the days when I say, hey, let's just go on an informal field trip. I'm glad A+ decided to get on board with waking up at around 7 AM fairly consistently instead of sleeping in. The graph also shows the steadiness of the pink Childcare segments during the 11AM-12PM lunch breaks. Knowing when I'm likely to be interrupted by an armful of kiddo does help me use the morning and afternoon breaks a little more efficiently, although having 1-1.5 hours to think can still feel a little short if I'm trying to do some programming.

Part of this year was covered by my life as a 40-year-old yearly review. I'll write my "life as a 41-year-old" post in August this year.

Sample weekday: 2025-04-10

I started prioritizing practising piano and going for a good long walk at some point in the day, both of which feel very nice. I still usually handle A+'s recess and lunch breaks, but W-'s retired now, so sometimes he handles A+'s lunch while I do things.

I usually do a quick check of my time by looking at the category totals and percentages during my monthly and yearly reviews, but seeing it as a day-by-day view like this makes it easier to feel the flow of things, including when I tend to stay up late. (Revenge bedtime procrastination strikes again.)

Still, category totals make it easier to see high-level changes over time. Here's a graph of average hours per day per high-level category per year.

I can see that:

• childcare mostly came out of my consulting, personal, and play time
• I've managed to get back to doing more productive stuff and Emacs stuff

Here's the hours-per-day.py script I used to analyze it, using Pandas to sum it up, Matplot to graph it, and mpld3 to add some Javascript interaction so we can hover over points to get the label and value. I wrote a little SetViewbox plugin so that the graph could be more responsive.

My life is still fragmented, but I'm slowly becoming more okay with this. The general advice is, of course, to try to consolidate some focus time, but my life doesn't work that way. Besides, it's fragmented because the kiddo likes to spend time with me, which is wonderful.

I liked this quote from Eleanor Coppola from this Living with Literature interview:¹

The men artists I knew had a studio, and they went out to their studio, and they spent the day, and worked, and then they came back. I once read a book by Judy Chicago, who interviewed all these women artists, and they made their art on the back porch, they made it on top of the washing machine, they made it next to the kitchen sink, and they made it anywhere they could, for the hour and a half while their kid was taking a nap, and for the two hours while they were at the play group. They made it in between. It wasn’t, like, you get to make art for eight hours. You make art in 20-minute snatches, and you don’t, like, fiddle around. I know one time I went to see Francis in his working room, and he had his pencils all laid out, and his espresso there, and there was this whole little ritual of getting into yourself and into your work. There was no time [for women] for the ritual of getting into your work! You just snapped into that taking 10 minutes and making 3 lines on your drawing or whatever was possible. It wasn’t the same as the way men worked. And that’s how women got their work done.

This reminds me of the reflections on interruptibility in Meditations for Mortals (Oliver Burkeman, 2024): yes, try to ringfence three to four hours of your day for focused time, but don't try to control too much of your life; stay distractible, don't fight life, give your full attention once your focus has already been diverted. It also reminds me of Good Mom on Paper (edited by Stacey May Fowles and Jen Sookfong Lee, 2022); there are lots of other people who are finding their way through the "Mom! Mom! Mom!" phase. (A+ still has a finely-tuned attention detector. She can sense the moment I begin to think about something and interrupt it with "Mom, look at this!" even when W- is right there beside her.)

A+ grows more independent every year. It's like life is slowly easing me into this independence too. 2022 looked different from 2025, and 2028 will be different too. I used to have 5-10 minute snippets of time (still do). Now I occasionally get 1-hour chunks. Eventually I'll have 3-hour chunks again. I know from my experiment with semi-retirement that time isn't the thing holding me back from making a useful website or writing a book or saving the world, so that's actually kind of liberating. It can just be about trying things out and seeing where I want to go with that.

One of the things I've learned is how much of my day depends on feeling well-rested. When I've slept well, I can parent better and I can take advantage of little pockets of me-time better.

It's surprisingly tricky to get my sleep sorted out. My sleep isn't as fragmented as it used to be in the early days of parenting A+, but it's still a little challenging. These days, I usually start nudging A+ towards bed at 9 PM. I'm still an integral part of her bedtime routine. Sometimes she stays up because she wants to chat or improvise stories, and unless I'm super tired, I like to spend that cozy time with her. I snuggle her until I think she's fallen asleep. Sometimes I try to slip away too early and she sleepily asks for more hugs, so then I snuggle her for another ten or fifteen minutes. I try to stay awake because whenever I fall asleep in her twin bed, we're both a bit tired and cranky in the morning. After A+'s finally asleep, I call my mom to check on her. Sometimes I do a bit of reading or drawing as my personal time.

I can remind myself not to stay up late reading because then I'll get too little sleep and then I'll feel tired. I can find time to read the next day. Come to think of it, this is what I tell A+ too, and just like me, she also finds it hard to put books down.

I could also get a bit more sleep by accepting that A+ will probably wake up at 7:30 or so, and set my alarm for 7:25 instead of 6:55. She usually likes a lot of snuggles before finally waking up, though, so starting the snuggles early in the morning gives us more of a leisurely start to the day.

If I go to bed at about 10 or 10:30 PM, I usually wake up before my alarm goes off. If I move some of my personal reading and writing to that time (RSS, books, etc.), then I can swap out some of the less-useful scrolling through Reddit and start the day better.

Tracking my time is surprisingly reassuring. I can see that I have time for a few discretionary things, and I can see the trade-offs. More time spent doing one thing means less time spent on another, so it makes my actual priorities clear. In the beginning, I tended to fall back to consulting a lot because it came with clear tasks and the satisfaction of helping other people. I'm happy to see that I'm becoming more comfortable with choosing things like playing piano, going for walks, writing, or working on personal projects, or playing Minecraft with W- and A+.

W- does so much around the house, and we really enjoy the benefits. (Mmm, fresh-baked bagels.) It makes me want to increase my "Unpaid work" time so that I can increase the satisfaction I feel from helping improve the household. If I can tempt A+ along (say, cooking or gardening), then that would be an effective way to shift that time around. When I switch from "Personal - Routines" to "Unpaid work - Clean the kitchen," it feels nice. I know it'll add up.

When I don't feel particularly energetic or focused, I've learned to be kind to myself and just chill out with a book or my iPad, or do some tidying around the house. Sometimes I have a nap. No point in grumping at myself about it. I'm learning that I enjoy having a simple, leisurely sort of life, without feeling like I need an internal taskmaster. When I do have an idea, I'm fine with going with it even if there are lots of other things on my to-do list from before. As long as nothing urgently needs to be done, there's room to play, and it's easier to work on stuff I'm curious about or care about, even if it might not be the theoretically optimal way to use that bit of time.

I don't think I'll go back to my pre-parenting socializing any time soon. I miss bumping into interesting ideas and people at tech meetups and Hacklab, and hosting people for tea, but it's okay. We're still taking COVID precautions, so we don't hang out indoors. The weather's warming up so maybe people will be outside more. I bumped into Andrew Louis at a park the other day. That conversation reminded me that there are lots of wonderful people who don't blog nearly as often as I do (and even I don't write as often as I'd like), so spending time with them (either one-or-one or as part of larger conversations) is the main way to find out about the cool things they've been up to, enjoy that feeling of "I'm glad you exist," and perhaps develop friendships further. Someday, maybe. In the meantime, I like EmacsConf, I occasionally join online meetups, and I've dusted off my feed reader and filled it with people whom I also appreciate.

All my gaming time has shifted over to Minecraft because that's what A+ and W- play. I like playing with them. It's a fun way to spend time together and explore different situations.

I probably won't take up Latin or Japanese again for now. I enjoyed feeling my brain get the hang of something new. At the moment, my brain seems to want to get that from piano practice, so that's fine.

I'd like to sew more. A+ wants more skirts, skorts, and dresses, and she doesn't often find clothes to her liking in the stores. She likes it when I wear a matching skirt, too. If I'm working with stretchy fabric, that means using the serger at home. If I'm working with wovens, I can bring the project to the playground for something tangible to work on while the kids play. At home, it tends to feel like a choice between coding, writing, cooking, tidying, or sewing, and I don't pick sewing very often. At the park, sewing gives me something to do while I listen to other grown-ups chat.

I like what I've shifted my time towards: more time outside, time with family, biking and walking (especially awesome when we're out biking as a family!), more gardening, more writing, more drawing. It's okay that other things moved lower on my list.

It doesn't take a lot of time to capture the data: just a few seconds to tap into my most common categories using my phone. I recently added some Tasker tasks and Google Assistant routines so that I can track common categories by voice ("Hey Google, kitchen"), using face unlock to authorize it in case my hands are full. I've written code to automatically add time use tables to my weekly, monthly, and annual reviews, so that's also straightforward.

This particular analysis took me a couple of extra hours spread over several days.

• I noticed some entries I wanted to clean up (mostly when I didn't track when I slept), so that took a little time.
• I wanted to tweak my graph visualization to make it easier to visualize a whole year of data, so I modified it to take up the full width instead of a fixed width, changed the outline to a slightly-transparent version of the category colour, and recoloured the categories based on a palette I picked up from somewhere. This meant I needed to re-figure-out how to modify my web-based tracker, as there were some gaps in my notes.

• I wanted an Emacs Lisp way to visualize a single day, which meant adding quantified-svg-day and other functions to .

  Then I could define a named Org Babel block like this:

    #+NAME: day-graph
    #+begin_src emacs-lisp  :exports results :var day="2012-04-25"
          (with-temp-file (format "weekday-%s.svg" (substring day 0 4))
                  (svg-print (quantified-svg-day day 'horizontal))
                  (buffer-string))
          (format "#+ATTR_HTML: :style margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0\nSample weekday: %s\n#+ATTR_HTML: :style width:100%%; height: 20px\nfile:weekday-%s.svg" day (substring day 0 4))
    #+end_src
  

  To call it, I can use:

    #+CALL: day-graph(day="2013-04-26")
  

  Next step would be to visualize the data from a start day to and end day, which could be useful for weekly and monthly reviews.

• I kept wanting to add more thoughts.

I liked reviewing my data, though. Even with just the numbers and graphs, it was a way to revisit those quite different past selves.

This time data works together with other things. I built myself a web-based journal as well–just quick sentences to capture what happened, roughly grouped into categories. That provides a more qualitative view of my day and helps me flesh out the memories.

I used to leave quantifiedawesome.com more open to the web. To my amusement, it's even been used in a machine learning research paper, which, after much crunching of data, concluded that I tend to take the subway to things and then come back.² Anyway, I noticed my time tracker got a bit slower as bots started trying to crawl through the reports, and it occasionally crashed and needed restarting, so I tucked it behind an IP address range restriction. Not really sure what other people would find interesting in my data, anyhow. =)

If you like this sort of stuff, you might also want to check out my other posts about time or Quantified Self, or these other people's time analyses:

• [OC] I tracked every hour of my life for 5 years. - 1.5k comments, similar visualization
• I tracked every minute of my life in 2024 - similar visualization
• I tracked every hour of my life in 2024 - similar visualization + category totals
• [OC] I tracked every hour of my life for 2021 (REPOST) - similar visualization + category totals
• [oc] I've started tracking my time in 2023 - Sankey diagram of categories
• Quantified Self – Analysis of my Time · Brett Kobold - location tracking, Tasker
• Quantified Self: Tracking My Time Spent | by Stephanie Rogers | Medium - calendar, category totals
• Time-tracking guide - RescueTime, Toggl, stacked bars, treemap
• I Tracked Every Minute Of My Life For One Year, Here's What I Learned. - used the EARLY app, category totals
• RPubs - Quantified-self Report - group, mood
• I tracked every minute of my time for the last 4 months. Here are 7 totally unexpected results - DEV Community - used Toggl
• I time tracked my life for a month - by Lane Scott Jones - category totals
• Time Tracking Experiment: What I Learned After Analyzing Every Minute of My Life for 30 Days - category totals
• I tracked every minute of my day for 3 years - Quantified Self - Quantified Self Forum - Google Calendar, category totals
• I Track My Entire Life - #35 by Algorithm - QS newcomers - Quantified Self Forum - FileMaker Pro, 25 years, discussion of categories

If you want to start tracking your time, it might be helpful to try it for a short period (a week, a month, whatever) and then see what surprises you. People can track time using all sorts of things: pen and paper, a spreadsheet, a digital calendar, a time-tracking app… It might take a few tries to find something that fits the way you work, and that's okay.

Interactive figures in blog posts with mpld3 was also helpful for figuring out Javascript-enabled charts from Python, for which of course I totally want a smooth Org Mode workflow.

Looking forward, I expect childcare to still be a significant portion of my day, but that's all right. It'll wind down all too quickly, so I might as well enjoy it while I'm here. I think I'd like to do maybe 5-15 hours of consulting a month, which is a few hours each week. I enjoy helping my clients explore crazy ideas. Aside from that, there are lots of other things I want to do with my time, and each day feels nicely full. Now that the weather's warming up, I'd like to become even more comfortable with sitting on the porch with a book or a sketch, or going for a walk with A+ to the ice cream store, or wandering around the city checking out playgrounds.

A+ is 9. I am more than halfway to the end of A+'s childhood, and adolescence is around the corner. I have only so many years in this easy stage with W-. My paternal grandmother had dementia towards the end of her life and my mom is dealing with both physical and cognitive decline due to Parkinson's. Tick tock, memento mori, four thousand weeks go by quickly. I'm half-past that mark, too. But it's not a matter to feel despair about or something that should make me try to hang on to this moment too tightly. Keeping track of my time doesn't mean subjecting myself to some kind of Tayloristic time-and-motion study of the sort that dictates how many packages an Amazon warehouse worker must process each hour, out of the urge to wring out every last bit of productivity possible. It's enough, I think, to savour here and now, to laugh at the things I worried about in the past and to accept that future me will also look back and smile.

I wonder what the next few years could look like. I'd like to keep tracking time as a low-effort way to sketch out the shape of my day, to see my revealed preferences and see if they match up with what I value, and to appreciate how little things add up.

I think of myself as not very conscientious. At school, I struggled with completing homework, sometimes not even turning in assigned essays. I forgot about deadlines and accidentally left my stuff behind. I did well on standardized tests because I could read quickly and eliminate probably incorrect answers, but other types of tests were a drag. There were some subjects I liked enough to do well in (well, mostly teachers I found engaging). For the most part, though, I didn't particularly care about grades. Even as an adult, I occasionally forget to finish something I'm working on, I lose things and time due to disorganization and attentional hiccups, and I've used my "Oops" fund a number of times. (W+ is more conscientious than I am, and occasionally patiently reminds me to take care of stuff.) I tend to follow the butterflies of my interest.

Fortunately, I've figured out some things that work well for me. Coding is great because even though it needs me to be pretty exact, I can work in small chunks, write tests to help me double-check, and automate repetitive tasks that my brain tends to hiccup on. When I worked at IBM, I had a lot of fun working on projects I cared about, like building systems to help professionals transition into teaching or helping food banks distribute food. I also did well skimming pages and pages of internal discussions so that I could summarize key themes for workshops. For my consulting clients, I tend to focus on prototyping their crazy ideas. If the idea proves worthwhile, we can then turn it over to other people to get it ready for production. Org Mode helps me keep track of what I want to do and when. In the Emacs community, I tend to focus on breadth rather than depth: Emacs News instead of package maintenance or core Emacs development. (And besides, it's volunteering anyhow, so when people bump into bugs in my code, it's either an opportunity for them to help out or something they might just put up with or work around.) I like experimenting, and I don't feel stuck; I can move on from an experiment when I've gotten enough data or when things change. I've shifted my life so that most of the tasks on my to-do list are things that I want to do that aren't time-sensitive, so I can do them when I want.

I recognize myself in other descriptions of conscientiousness. I like to plan and I like to take notes. I get somewhat stressed by the idea of being late, although I've learned to chill out a little about that because kids mean being flexible about time. I like considering decisions carefully and doing little experiments. I find risky behaviour stressful rather than fun. Still, I tend to think of myself as someone who doesn't do the extra work, who often doesn't pay attention to the fiddly details. A few counter-examples might help me figure out more about when my brain likes to spend the extra time on things:

• In a cryptography course that I took in university, we had an assignment to break a simple monalphabetic cipher. Each student was assigned one line. I had fun crunching through all of them (puzzles! piece of cake) and I distinctly remember relishing the teachers' surprise the next day.
• I signed up for more school, getting a master's degree in Mechanical and Industrial Engineering at the University of Toronto. I got interested in it for two reasons:
  • I enjoyed teaching computer science at my alma mater. Getting an advanced degree was strongly recommended. I experimented with a masters in education but I wasn't that interested in it.
  • I was also interested in personal information management thanks to Emacs and Planner Mode, so I was curious about exploring the usage patterns of people who had highly customized their PIM tool. Several papers in that area had been written by a researcher at the University of Toronto, so I applied there for a master's. That researcher left shortly after I arrived, so we looked around for another topic. Eventually we settled on social networking platforms in organizations, which was also interesting for me because it was about how people use technology to organize collective knowledge.
• I also signed up for parenting knowing that it's a ton of extra work including stress-testing my abilities, being responsible for helping an entirely separate little being figure out things I'm still figuring out myself, and handling endless problem-solving and adaptation in the face of uncertainty.
• I notice that I'm getting a little better at slowing down and practising piano, singing, and drawing. I've tried all these things before, but now I can approach it differently because I'm going into it with more life experience.
  • For piano, I can treat it like a moving meditation on the quirks of my monkey mind, and be amused at how my brain learns. I enjoy feeling the motions become more automatic. I also like the thoughts and memories that the pieces evoke. (As part of this beginner course I'm doing, I just practised a very simple version of "Thus Spake Zarathustra", which makes everything feel more epic.) Eventually I think it would be nice to be able to play the music that A+ and I might want to sing to. It seems to be my current hyperfocus. I enjoy spending the time practising, knowing that there's no way to skip that part (and perhaps this is even supposed to be the fun part).
  • For singing, I can be mystified by all the weird movements that I have to figure out in my larynx and my diaphragm and other parts I haven't even figured out how to name yet, much less activate. It gives me some empathy for how kids are learning about things we can't easily teach them.
  • For drawing, I can be amused by the gap between how things really are and how I imagine them to be, and the gap between what I imagine and what I can draw. The video tutorial assures me that taking the time to slow down and shade or add texture is worthwhile, and is even the fun part of drawing. I still get impatient occasionally (do I really want to spend all this time on one sketch?), but it's an interesting perspective. I think it might be nice to develop art into a relaxing activity. If I go through the steps, I'll probably get there. Also, I like doodling to break up the wall of text in a blog post like this one, so that's another fun way to practice.

So maybe I can be a bit more conscientious when it's something I'm curious about or care about.

For the tasks that I need to be conscientious about, there are other things that help:

• I'm getting better at accepting my limits. For example, when I had a pie in the oven last night, I told A+ that I couldn't go off to play Minecraft with her because I might forget about the pie and accidentally undercook or overcook it.
• Writing notes helps me keep track of where I am, what I wanted to do next, what I'm figuring out along the way, and so on. The possibility of sharing those notes (and thus having more opportunities to learn from my past self or from other people) also encourages me to get to a point where those notes can be shared. Here I really appreciate how Org Mode helps me capture, manage, and post my tasks and notes, thanks to literate programming. People occasionally tell me that they think I'm very organized, but that's probably just because I write about stuff so that when I forget, I can look them up again.
• Checklists are also handy. Most of the time, I just make a checklist on my phone using Orgzly Revived, but maybe I can make these more visual. I notice that I'm not particularly influenced by the gamification strategy of a streak count and mildly influenced by XP bars.
• Journal entries and blog posts also give me a record of what I've worked on, and even little bits of progress accumulate.
• I'm also learning to to distract the fidgety part of my brain with music or movement, and to manage it with timers. Timers are great. Timers to get started, timers to check in with myself, timers to come back…
• Automation is wonderful. Getting a computer to do the work is often more fun and less error-prone than my doing it myself. Even semi-automation is helpful.

Despite not thinking of myself as particularly conscientious, I'm pretty happy with what I've been figuring out about my life and the world. I can think of how I work as building on my strengths instead of just working around my weaknesses. I enjoy learning about and dabbling in lots of different interests, and the combination of ideas can be very useful (like dancer curiosity). Framing many decisions as experiments helps me get to 80%-fine quickly, and I don't spend a lot of time chasing down that last 20% that takes most of the effort. I don't fit the hustle culture of many self-help books, blogs, and videos, and that's okay.

I think my dad was not particulary conscientious either, at least not in terms of planning ahead, paying attention to details, following conventions. He was always in motion, happiest whenever he had a crazy project. Fortunately, he was really good at inspiring other people to handle the logistics. He came up with the ideas ("I want to fly across the Philippines in an ultralight") and people like my mom figured out how (fuel, landing spots, etc.). His spontaneous road trips drove me a little batty when I was a kid. But also, when it came to the things he cared about, he could spend hours, days, weeks on getting it right. I remember how he'd stay up late to figure something out, whether it was digital photography or Microsoft 3D Pinball. I've written about how he repeatedly drew variations on the same sketch in order to figure out what he wanted. He did okay. He found his way, even though it looked nothing at all like the standard paths. I'm probably doing all right, too.

My mom was more conscientious and deliberate than my dad was. She handled the business while my dad got to focus on his passions. From her, I picked up the habits of reading and writing. I think I'd like to be more of a mix between their styles rather than one or the other.

Apparently, conscientiousness tends to increase with age, so that's interesting. I feel slower when it comes to some things (probably because of adapting to all those distractions and periods of sleep deprivation, or maybe age, or simply a more realistic evaluation of my abilities), so it's easier to give myself time to do things that are slow. Maybe I'll get better at enjoying the act of practising and paying attention to the details. I'll probably benefit from more orderliness, too. I wonder how I can get my brain to enjoy decluttering and figuring out the right homes for objects. It's a little like preparing the space so that I can see what I like and it's easy to work on what I enjoy. (Marie Kondo's The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up might be relevant here, although even she has found keeping a tidy house with kids to be a challenge…)

I've been trying to think of a neutral or positively-coded word for the opposite of the conscientiousness personality trait. I asked Claude AI to generate a bunch of antonyms. I don't quite identify with "free-spirited" or "spontaneous", but I like "adaptable" and "improvisational," and "interest-driven" is an accurate description of the way we spend our energy. Those words don't quite cover the same cluster of meanings that "conscientious" does, but they give me other ways to think about the personality trait as something more positive.

I'm always curious about how I can work with what I've got. New challenges, new experiences, new capabilities… I get to learn even more about how my brain works and what I can do, especially as I build systems and processes to support myself.

Figuring out more about building on my strengths will also help me parent A+, so this work is extra worth it. I can even learn from the worries that sometimes flutter up when I see her also wandering far from what the school system would probably prefer that she focus on.

Thinking about processes and tools and self-acceptance also makes me think a little about Andy's recent blog post My 10 Years with Emacs, in which (among other thoughts about what he's learned about using Emacs and other people he wants to thank for helping) he mentions thinking of me as kind of the community mom. I was 18 when I started using Emacs, I've grown up in this community, and I've got blog posts and videos that help me catch glimpses of myself throughout the years. It does feel interesting to notice the shifts in my brain, from kind of an enthusiastic puppy bursting with energy to something more about experimentation, reflection, and connection. If I can get better at understanding myself and the tools I can build to support who I am and what I want to do, I wonder if that'll help other people too. I'm looking forward to being able to someday bring grandparent energy to this. What could that be like? There are people even older than I am in this community, which is wonderful. I'm looking forward to seeing how we all figure out how to work with what we've got.