Updated 2019-03-18: Linked image.

No-Drama Discipline (2014) was written by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. The book takes a connection- and skill-building approach to parenting kids, especially during difficult moments like tantrums and misbehaviour. I like how it encourages me to take a step back and think about the long-term skills I’d like to help A- develop, and it has lots of examples of redirection and teaching.

I’m still firm when it comes to safety or other people, and sometimes I’m not in the right space to be patient. I’ve been focusing on accepting, validating, and describing A-‘s emotions whenever I can. It’s getting easier to say, “I see you’re upset. I’m here if you want a hug.” It’s hard to see what kind of progress A- might be making on her side, and I still worry from time to time that I might end up being too permissive, or that she might depend on me too much for emotional regulation. But kids have turned out just fine with a wide variety of parenting approaches, so things will probably work out too. I wonder if A- will grow into the sort of kid who resonates with the kinds of conversations described in the book. If she isn’t, that’s cool, we’ll adapt. In the meantime, this approach resonates with me, and I like what it’s helping me learn.

Although the book felt repetitive at times, I found it helpful to see the principles applied in lots of different scenarios. I also liked reading a few stories about when it just didn’t work out, which made the approach feel more human and relatable. It might be useful to read this book backwards, actually: start with the refrigerator-sheet summary near the end of the book, and then fit the other chapters into that framework.

How does the book fit in with the other books I’ve been reading along these lines? No-Drama Discipline focuses on connecting and calming down kids (and quieting our internal anxieties, or “shark music”), while How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen goes into more detail on collaborative problem-solving. I think No-Drama Discipline gives more concrete advice than Unconditional Parenting does, but covers a narrower range of topics than Between Parent and Child. Positive Parenting by Rebecca Eanes is a bit more of an overview, while No-Drama Discipline is more of an in-depth look at one topic.

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We had been at the Ontario Science Centre for two and a half hours, and A- had done most of her favourite activities already. When she saw H- together with Melissa (H-‘s mom), though, she hopped up and down with excitement. She even took H-‘s hand for a bit. Then the pair chased each other around the kids’ area while I scrambled to keep eyes on both of them. After that, there was the usual dance of separate activities and joint ones. Melissa and I waved hello in passing, carried on fragmented conversations, and texted location updates whenever our kiddos looked like they were going to be in one place for a short while.

There was even one segment of extended playing together. H- pretended to be a doctor, A- pretended to be a nurse, and I was their poor beleaguered patient who was not allowed to get well. (“Thank you for the medicine. I feel all better now.” “No, you’re still sick.” “Oh no! I’m so sick.”) We kept at it for quite a while.

We stayed all the way until the science centre closed. A- slept soundly on the way home, all tired out from six hours of fun. I like going to the science centre with friends. A- seems to enjoy it too. The science centre is an hour away, but conversation makes the trip shorter. It’s fun to see the kids interact, too, and I’m learning to enjoy interacting as well.

I’ve been making an effort to be more social by inviting people for field trips or food. A- will learn about social interaction from how I interact with other people, and she’ll develop her own friendships. I hope that when she goes to school, we’ll already be on good terms with a few of her classmates’ families. I can see how friendships have contributed to my sister’s happiness, and I see how I’m slowly getting the hang of things. Not that I feel that friendships are instrumentally good, mind you. One of the things I like about people I consider friends is that it’s nice that they exist. I like that there are people like them. But it does sometimes help to remind myself of the good things about friendships when I’m feeling all homebody-ish or when I’m talking myself out of worrying about rejection.

A- will probably turn out all right no matter what I do. I might as well take advantage of this opportunity to learn a few things that parenting can help me with. Cooking makes sense because I feel strongly motivated to help A- develop good eating habits. Social interaction is another big area that makes perfect sense, since parenting introduces me to lots of people with lots of common ground. Early childhood education is a natural fit, too. So much to learn for both of us!

We've been working on making our routines smoother by scheduling meals, clean-up time, bedtime routines, and so on. Even though times vary from day to day to accommodate the variability of toddler life, it's been helpful to say things like, “Evening snack is at 8.”

The wall clock in the kitchen has a big circle on the end of the hour hand, which has been great for helping A- tell the time. She can focus on what number is in or near the circle instead of figuring out which is the short hand, mentally extending it to the numbers, and seeing out which number it matches. 

This morning, A- looked at the clock and said, “It's nine o'clock.” (And it was!) In the evening, she looked at the clock a few minutes before 8 PM, then started singing, “We've come to the end of another day…”

Since that wall clock is just in the kitchen, I wanted to make something on my phone so that I could always show her what time it was. Javascript to the rescue! This one seems to display fine. If I need to use it offline, I can probably bundle in the libraries.

Live version is at https://sachachua.com/clock.html, based on Vasco Asturiano's MIT-licensed code.

Next step could be to add drawings to the clock, like this custom clock for toddlers.

We'll shift to the classic style of clock hands over time so that she can practise those too. I've also started talking about “half past,” and then I'll introduce “quarter to” and “quarter past” later on. Whee! It's so much fun to code things that fit A-‘s interests.

It feels like I've had much less focused time over the past two months. Weaning, sickness, and A-‘s bigger emotions all needed more patience and energy. I've been prioritizing sleep and household maintenance over things like staying up to consult or write. On the plus side, we've gotten back into the rhythm of preparing meals for the week, and cleaning the house is a little easier now.

How can I adapt if this is my new normal?

I've been setting more firm boundaries (myself, bedtime routines, etc.), and that's been working reasonably well. I've also adjusted my plans and made sure not to commit to more consulting than I could do.

I'm not keen on making videos a regular part of her day, since we don't want to add another cause for conflict. I considered creating space by having a babysitter come over for 3-4 hours. A- is still not keen on the idea, though, and I can see how we both benefit from the time we spend with each other.

So the main thing to do, I think, is to rejig my plans in order to make the most of the constraints. What do I want to learn even without lots of focused sit-down time? How do I want to grow?

• Equanimity: This lets me turn A-‘s tantrums into learning opportunities. I can practise appreciating her and this life, especially when we're in the thick of things. Taking care of our basic needs gives me the space to be patient and kind when A- needs me to be, and it's good practice in anticipating and heading off challenges. I tend to be firmer than W- is, so I can work on noticing when a little kindness or flexibility might help a lot when A- and I are on our own.
• Household maintenance: I want to take on more chores, help A- get involved, and become more effective. This is also a good opportunity to practise noticing things. I can learn things from W- and from the Internet.
• Thinking, learning, and improving in short bursts: I want to get better at using little pockets of time. Drawing and dictating might be good techniques to explore further.
• Mindfulness and being present: I want to get better at being there for A- instead of letting myself be distracted. I want to get better at enjoying now. I also want to balance that with thinking about and doing my own things. I can start with a few magic moments a day, and then expand from there.
• Playfulness and creativity: I like the way W- interacts with A-. It might be interesting to practise playfulness and creativity, especially since A- can be my play partner and guide. I can pick up ideas at the drop-in centres, and sometimes reading helps.

These things are less obviously rewarding than, say, figuring out a clever solution for a client problem or coming up with a neat Emacs hack and blogging about it. But they're worthwhile things to learn anyway.

How can I make my learning more intentional? It might be interesting to make myself a list of things to focus on or try out, and then try one at time while keeping an eye out for other things that are relevant to the situation. For example, I could have a day of involving A-‘s toys in tasks, then see how that resonates with A-.

How can I make my learning more visible? I think journal entries will help a little. Sometimes A- insists that I stay close while she's sleeping, so that might be a good time to write. I can draw thoughts while waiting for A-, too, which is a good way to model writing and drawing. Paper seems to work a little better than drawing on my phone, although maybe that's a matter of practice. I don't have a good workflow for dealing with notes yet, but I can archive pictures for now and deal with them as mostly transitory thinking aids.

I'll probably have lots of focused time later on. Crunch time isn't forever. Even if I may need to start over, I'm not too worried. I think I'll be able to get the hang of things again.

In the meantime, we're mostly set up for playing and doing chores at home. Once we recover from this cold and cough, I think our daily rhythm will involve drop-in centres as well as home time. I've got things to learn and ways to grow. I can do this, even though it's a bit different from what I'm used to.

Life changes. It's good to adapt.

A- hates weaning. She's desperate to reconnect. I wish I had more patience or cleverness for a gentler approach, but I'm all done with nursing, so we've gone cold-turkey.

All I can do is to accept her rages and pleas, snuggle her close when she wants (“Tighter!” she says), give her space when she wants (“That's my body!”), offer milk and food and hugs, and not take her rejection personally. (“I like Daddy more than Mama!” “That's okay with me.”)

I am okay with her being upset. I'm okay with giving her an outlet for her feelings, and being there for her until anger melts into sadness, or through the cycles of falling asleep crying and waking up screaming.

I'm also okay with taking care of myself (bathroom breaks, cat-naps) so that I can take care of her. W- is awesome.

Thank goodness for the mercurial moods of toddlers. It's hard to go from calm to angry tantrum in the space of a few minutes, but fortunately she also sometimes switches out of a tantrum, so I know she's okay.

It's also mind-boggling to know that as much as she resists, she says she'd still rather spend time with me than with a babysitter, even when I'm low-energy. Even in the middle of a tantrum, she gestures for me to lie down too and snuggle her closer. Even though she says she doesn't want me to say no or to set limits, she also says she wants me.

Of course, once W- is home, she's all about him. (“Private time, Mama! Please go somewhere else.”) That's cool too.

While we're working on this, everything else is on hold. I need as much sleep and space as I can that I can give her as much patience and support as she needs. I misjudged it one night, staying up for an hour of consulting and an hour of planning. Four hours later, she woke up and refused to settle. The next night, I was so exhausted that I cried, and she was even more distressed by my tears. W- woke up again, calmed her down simply by taking her out of the room, and let me have a much-appreciated start on sleep.

She's slowly coming around. She still asks, but she doesn't rage as much now. I can acknowledge that she wants to nurse, comfort her, and offer something else. Helping her sleep is still a challenge, but at least she settles back down when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She wakes up grumpy and wanting to nurse, but the mood passes by breakfast.

It's a lot to get through, but we'll get through this together.

I'm gradually weaning A-. She hates it when I limit her nursing time by counting out loud, singing a song, or setting a timer. She responds well if we make a game out of how quickly she can nurse. That's been helping us move away from long nurses, although she still asks to nurse throughout the day. She can fall asleep without nursing if I read to her, rock her, or snuggle her. It's currently a bit more conflict-ridden than simply nursing her to sleep, but it's necessary, and I'm sure things will get better as she gets used to the new routine.

Between weaning and setting firmer boundaries around my bedtime, I'm definitely not A-‘s favourite person at the moment. Whenever W- is around, she switches over to him, often saying, “Private Daddy time! Mama, please go somewhere else.” This is wonderful. She's practising independence and individuation by rejecting me, and she gets to build memories with W- too.

It has also been a good opportunity to test my equanimity in the face of toddler disapproval. In the chapter on discipline in Between Parent and Child, (Ginott, Ginott, and Goddard; 2nd ed. 2003) there's a note: “Most parents love their children, but it is important that they not have an urgent need to be loved by then every minute of the day.” I am okay with A- being upset with the limits I set, and I am okay with being with A- throughout those strong feelings. I trust that we'll come out the other end with less adoration and more security.

When W- is away, A- is fine with hanging out with me. A- still likes me enough to insist, “No babysitter. Only Mama. Mama, play with me.” I'm focusing on playing with her more and letting her have more control over the day to balance the things I need to insist on at night.

Since our routines are shifting, it's a good time to think about how we want to adjust. If A- wants to spend most of the weekends and weekday evenings with W-, I can do more housework and cooking. It's harder for me to get her to playfully join in brushing teeth or doing other bedtime routine things, so W- will need to take care of those things too.

The important thing for me is to not turn it into a battle of wills. Even if she's upset with me, I'm on her side. I set limits, but I'm also here to help her adapt, and I'm learning things too. I want to get better at telling the difference between the times she'll settle down after a little boundary -testing and the times she needs more kindness and flexibility.

The tough times are usually when we're both sleepy. She wants to nurse to sleep, and she gets upset if I limit her or reject her a lot. If I'm too sleepy, I can't read or rock her to sleep. For naps, she can fall asleep easily if she's in a carrier or stroller, although that runs the risk of my not being able to nap too. For night-time sleep, I may just have to read sitting up, or I can have a quick nap after taking care of household chores. In any case, I probably need to prioritize sleep over discretionary time things until this settles down.

A- and W- continue to be awesome. We'll figure this out together!

A- stayed up late on Thursday, but I was still able to sneak in 40 minutes of reading when she insisted on spending time with W- instead of me. (“Private Daddy time!”)

Chapter 8 of How Children Develop was about intelligence and academic achievement. I'm not particularly worried about either and definitely not at the moment, although I'm interested in providing as good an environment as possible for A- to flourish, and in learning as much as I can myself.

The chapter mentioned Home Observation and Measurement of Environment, for which I found these resources: Home Observation for Measurement of the Environment, Wave 1, 1994-1997 (from Project on Human Development in Chicago Neighborhoods) and HOME-SF Scales (NLSY79 Child). The main things I want to focus on for the 0-2 year part of this scale are to arrange visits to or from relatives/friends at least twice a month, and an outing at least every other week. A- often wants to stay at home, but is occasionally game for a field trip or a visit. The scale asks if the child gets out of the house 4 times a week or more, so that's something to keep in mind. I was amused to see that having a pet counts for something, too.

The next set of questions cover the range from 3-5 years old, so here are the items I may want to focus on then:

• Access to a music player and at least five records/tapes/CDs/etc.: I wonder how this translates to technology today. I'm definitely not keen on letting her loose on YouTube. We could dig up a CD player for her and make a few CDs. I could build a simple media interface for her with a selection of music using Tasker on an old Android phone coupled with a Bluetooth device or a speaker, which would require less fussing about with CDs. I could label the music with drawings, too. I haven't been keen on music-playing devices, but maybe I can ask the music teacher for advice.
• Some delay of food gratification: we mostly spread out meal/snack times, but it would be good to start delaying snacking when out and about too.
• Newspaper at home, to model interest in current events? Or is this just a correlation with families who are interested in current events and discuss them, and who have print-rich environments? I wonder what that means for us. W- and I often discuss what we see on Reddit, but she won't have access to that for a long, long, long time. I wonder if I can find a researcher I can ask about this sort of stuff…
• Regular participation in community activities: We'll continue going to the drop-in centres, and it might be nice to find or form a playgroup as well.

This literature review has more information about HOME and the influence of the home environment and home interactions on many outcomes.

The textbook chapter also talked about academic skills: reading, writing, and mathematics. At this stage, learning about letters and phonemic awareness will help A- prepare for reading and writing later on. She's interested in letters and is starting to visually identify them. I can see if she's ready to play games with phonics, like picking something that starts with a given sound, and then eventually telling me if two words begin with the same sound. We're experimenting with keeping this embedded in everyday life instead of turning to apps or flashcards.

Reading is both enjoyable and useful, and the fact that reading skills will help her in school is icing on the cake. She picks up a lot of words and phrases from books, including the little books I've been making for her. We're experimenting with reading to A- as much as she wants, except when we really need to do something else (like sleep). I keep my mind occupied while reading by studying the illustrations and thinking of ways to do dialogic reading, so I'm up for reading to her as much as she wants. Hmm… Maybe I can print out those dialogic reading bookmarks and put up a poster close to her bookshelf downstairs. She used to fill in pauses a lot, but now she often wants me to just read to her instead of prompting her or asking her to point to things. She'll sometimes add her own remarks if I wait for her signal before turning to the next page. I want to keep reading fun and enjoyable instead of veering into quizzing her, so I just make an effort to relate what we're reading to recent experiences. I'm sure our reading will keep evolving.

As for pre-writing skills, we often do fine-motor activities like drawing, playing with playdough, and cutting with scissors. I do a lot of drawing and writing in front of her, too, and she usually wants to join in. I'm not worried about getting her to learn actual writing just yet.

I'd like to weave math into playtime and everyday life as well. We count a lot and she knows the sequence, although it hasn't quite clicked for her yet. There's more to early math than counting, of course. A- definitely pays attention to magnitude comparisons, and will often talk about taking a bigger or smaller piece of cheese. One-to-one correspondence might be good to practise with activities like distributing forks and plates. Laundry gives us classification practice. Maybe I can make visual aids to go with counting songs. It would be nice to find a more visual timer that can work with Google Assistant's voice recognition, too. Anyway, there are lots of early math activities to explore.

It's neat working on our home environment and on my interactions with A- – not because we want to hot-house a prodigy, but because it's fun thinking about these things and appreciating how kids learn. Whee!