I made a keychain – avdi.codes (toot) From @avdi@avdi.codes:

“The truth is I still put a lot of pride into being Very Good At Ruby. I cling to that pride, sometimes. I want to show that I've “still got it”. In a life drowned in caregiving and homemaking and survival, I often feel like I'm vanishing. Like I have so much still to offer, if only—and then there is screaming from another room, and I must defuse a meltdown, or mediate an argument, or make a belated dinner, or chase down a meds prescription, or or or…”

This is something I remember struggling with. I think I've come to terms with it now, mostly by giving up the idea of being good at stuff. I've been making peace with the fact that I make silly errors, and that's okay. I've come to realize that it's not even entirely due to the distraction and time constraints of parenting, and that I like how I'm growing even if it feels less certain.

Freedom – Butterfly Mind (toot)

‘This morning, as I wrote my morning pages, I felt a little fearful. All my life I've yearned to be creative. I frequently think, “If I only had more time, I'd…” All those things I've said I wished I had more time to do — write, draw, learn French, exercise, meditate — now it's time to see if I really do want to do them. What if time was just an excuse? I guess that would be okay. I'd learn what really does matter to me. Maybe it turns out I like the idea of being creative more than I actually am creative. Maybe what I really love is long walks and sitting in the garden reading books.'

This feels like a related thought. I'm glad I did my experiment with semi-retirement. That period of having plenty of time autonomy showed me that I tend to be more of a slacker than a hustler, and that's also okay.