On this page:
I’m starting to use Evernote for more of my little notes, such as the follow-up notes after conversations. I like the way it can auto-title notes based on the current calendar event, and the search can pull in business card images as well as text snippets.
I still have the hardest time with introductions, even more so now that I’m doing something… different. I’m not a chirpy entrepreneur who’ll dash off an elevator pitch for a technology startup as soon as someone so much as provides an opening. I’m not a consultant angling for a lead or a job. I’m on a medium-term experiment with business and interestingness.
Helping people makes introductions much easier, and that’s what I talked about in The Shy Connector – turning it into a connect-the-dots game, looking for ways to help people. Sometimes it works out decently, and I can shape the conversations with questions. Other times, people fall back to old habits, perhaps uncomfortable with the focus on them. They ask, “So, what do you do?” or “So, where do you work?”
I’ve been testing different replies to this. Consultant? Web developer? Writer and developer is probably closest to what I’d like to focus on this next little while – or maybe something related to experiments… I’d rather talk about how I might be able to help instead of what label I fit neatly into, but I appreciate that many people need these mental hooks to be able to remember people or to quickly evaluate how much time a conversation is worth.
I like a different style of connecting, I guess. I connect slowly online through conversations that unfold over months, longer. In person, I like stacking the deck. It’s easier when I can offer something of value – hence, notes – and even easier when I’ve already helped someone. We skip the “So, what do you do?” aspect and jump straight into the middle of a conversation.
Three events next week, so I can play around with these ideas. =) We’ll see!
I want to revise and expand on The Shy Connector, which seems to have become a perennial resource. I was thinking about the kinds of things I have a hard time with and that other people might want help with too. Does this resonate with you, and can you add more?
Creating opportunities for serendipity: I’m choosy about the events I go to because networking can be draining just as much (or more, even!) than it can be energizing. I don’t really go to coffee get-togethers just to hang out. It doesn’t feel natural to me to possibly interrupt someone else’s train of thought for a question or an idea. That said, I often don’t mind overhearing other people’s questions, and sometimes I end up chatting with them about that.
Because it takes a lot to tempt me out of the house, I work harder on creating online serendipity through blogging and social networks. I spend time reading about other people’s interests and sharing my own. It does tend to be limited to the people who participate online, though, which means a tiny fraction of the possibilities.
Starting conversations: You know those people who will happily strike up conversations with strangers they meet on the bus or in an elevator? Totally not one of them. I find it difficult to start a conversation with someone for no particular reason. I prefer to have the excuse of a conference, an event, or a question.
I hardly ever start conversations with new people, but I’ve discovered a handy trick of jumping right in the middle of one. If people have read my blog, or if I’ve read theirs, then we can continue the conversation from those points. If we’ve attended a lecture together, I can use that as a starting point as well. As I do more of this, I might get more used to starting conversations to find out what people know.
I also get around this by pulling people into existing conversations. If I see someone else (usually another introvert!) hovering around the edge of a conversation I’m in, I use body language to invite them closer, and direct a few questions their way. I also hover around the edges of other conversations, which is a great way to not have to start one.
Continuing the conversation past small talk: If I go to an event and end up having one unmemorable small talk surface-level conversation after another, it’s quite draining. I like digging to find what people are really interested in or what they’ve learned, but it’s sometimes a struggle to get people out of the name-job-and-serial-number swap.
I find small talk a little easier for acquaintances and friends (naturally), because I can take advantage of the notes I keep on people’s interests and ask after those instead of talking about the weather. With people I don’t know, I try to take the lead in the conversation by asking questions. This means I can avoid the somewhat dead-end-ish “So, what do you do?” and use questions like “So, what are you passionate about?” or “What’s your story?” If I’m lucky, that gives me enough information for follow-up questions, and I can weave some self-disclosures into other questions or ideas to even out the conversation.
Managing my energy during events. A buzzing event can be overwhelming. A multi-day conference, even more so. I can tell when I’m getting tired and networked out: I start glazing over or feeling pressed in on.
I’ve learned to take my breaks unashamedly. Excusing myself is one way to do it. The women’s bathroom is often a quiet place to retreat to. Other times, I’ll go for a walk. In a pinch, I can hover on the periphery of a conversation that I don’t need to participate in, or take out my paper notebook and update my notes, or pretend to answer e-mail while clearing out my brain.
Following up afterwards. Okay, so I’ve met people and they’re potentially interesting, but then what? If I don’t bridge the gap between that and the next conversation, then it’s just conversation practice and the slim chance of being remembered in case we bump into each other again.
It helps to realize that most people suck at this too. You know those exchanges of business cards and contact information? I tend to follow up with more people than people follow up with me, and that goes for extroverts too.
I try to make it easier by giving myself homework during the conversation. If I think of a relevant book, for example, I might promise to send the details and a short description. If I’m at a conference, I might promise to send my notes. Then I have a built-in excuse for writing.
Building the connection from there. Because I rarely go to events or hang out in cafes, I tend to not bump into people much. However, it takes quite a few conversations to build a connection. Some people are comfortable inviting other people for follow-up lunches or coffees. I’m still getting the hang of that myself.
Blogging makes it easier for people to get to know me. I link to my blog in my e-mail signature, and try to share notes of events as another way to create value. If other people blog or post on Twitter, I subscribe to their updates too.
So that’s what I’ll work on helping other people with:
Can you think of other things that might be challenges for introverts too?
One of the things I like about meetups is the opportunity to test introductions. With all the different things I enjoy doing, what do I want to focus on, and what hooks do I want to give people in order to make conversation easier?
I’ve been thinking about introductions because of conversations with Judy Gombita and Rachel Lane at last week’s #torontob2b meetup. Judy delights in introducing me as the famous Shy Connector. This makes me grin a little in embarrassment, as (a) chances are that people haven’t come across it, and I don’t like making people feel a little out of the loop because they don’t know someone who’s supposed to be famous, and (b) umm, the whole point about shyness?
After the event, I thought about what some better reactions might be. For example, I could use that opportunity to give a 15-second summary of the key points, in case they’re useful for other people. Chances are, the people I’m meeting at these events are either extroverted or have found ways to cope. For extroverts, it might be something they can share with their introverted friends (a handy excuse to reach out). For introverts, I might share a surprising tip (for example, public speaking lets you get around starting a conversation) and find out what their tips are. If I keep a copy of the presentation on my phone, that makes it even easier for people to pick it up quickly.
Rachel and I are figuring out this tricky introduction bit, too. In one of these conversations, Rachel introduced herself as just a freelancer focusing on digital strategy and copywriting. After that conversation wrapped up, I passed on the lesson that Alan Lepofsky taught me about eliminating “just” from self-descriptions. After all, “independent” isn’t a synonym for “unemployed”; it can be something awesome. So now I’m going to introduce her as Rachel, who focuses on digital strategy, and who is also into wonderful things such as making Toronto greener through Guerrilla Gardening and helping people learn through Ladies Learning Code.
While we were talking about introductions, Rachel asked me how I wanted her to introduce me. “Consultant” is too vague. “Enterprise social software adoption consulting” is a mouthful, and it’s relevant to only a tiny fraction of people. “Blogger” is too generic, although mentioning that I blog at LivingAnAwesomeLife.com does give people a sense of my personality.
I think that at these meetups, I’m going to focus on sketchnotes, because that’s something that will be useful for anyone attending. I can quickly show some examples on my phone (or show the event’s notes if this is post-talk conversation) and promise to send it to people. That would be a good lead-in to exchanging contact information or connecting on Twitter, and it also gives me an excuse to follow up.
I’ll try emphasizing sketchnotes next time. When introducing myself, I can:
I’ll put together a business card focusing on sketchnotes too. Cards are good physical triggers for memory.
This is quite a different introduction for me. You know how you get a sense of where people put you in their mental classifications of people? I usually fit in the “geek” box. Although I’m sure people can figure that out as soon as they start browsing my website… =)
How do you experiment with your introduction?
(Click image for a larger version)
The Start-up of You is a book about networking and career planning using tips pulled from the startup world, sprinkled with hip jargon such as “pivot” and “volatility.” It’s a decent book for people who are new to connecting or cultivating their network and who also like reading about technology and entrepreneurship. If you’re a fan of The Lean Startup and similar entrepreneurship books, The Start-up of You is like seeing those ideas applied to other parts of life. It’s easy to read, and it flows well.
I liked examples such as the “interesting people fund” and the idea of having A-B-Z plans. There are good tips for asking your network better questions (p208), too. If you’ve read a lot of other networking or career growth books, though, you might not come across many new aha! moments here, but it’s a good startup-influenced view at managing your own career.
| The Start-up of You Reid Hoffman, Ben Casnocha 2012: Crown Business ISBN: 978-0307888907 (E-book and audiobook also available. The Toronto Public Library carries this book.) |
Are you a visual learner? Check out my other sketchnotes and visual book notes!
Event organizer or conference organizer? I’d love to help you help your attendees remember and share key points. Talk to me about sketchnoting your next event!
It started when we peeked through the bedroom blinds and saw our next-door neighbour cross the street to the house of the neighbour opposite us. He waved to them and took a wheelbarrow of triple-mix soil from the cubic yard bag sitting in front of the house, rolling it back down the curb, across the street, and up the other curb to his house. “They must’ve gone in together on a yard bag of soil,” W- said. It probably didn’t require much neighbourly coordination – a casual conversation, an offer of help – but we envied the ease and connection it implied. We knew our neighbours on either side of our house, but not so much the ones across the street. How could we get to know more people in the neighbourhood?
Gardening, apparently, is an excellent way to meet people over here. Investing in perennials and annuals turns out to pay social dividends. We dug up and gave our front-yard irises to one of our neighbours – we made space for new plants, and he added some more colour to his garden. We replanted the front yard as a herbal tea garden, with the sidewalk box planted as rows of colourful annuals (including one row of edible flowers, the petunias). We dug up the boxwood and juniper shrubs, placed the new plants, and chatted with neighbours and passers-by who complimented us on our garden. We even had an extended conversation with Awesome Garden Lady Down the Street, who as it turns out is Mrs. Wong, and who gave us extra vegetable seeds and plenty of advice.
Here’s what we planted today:
Weeding and cultivating the front yard will no doubt keep us busy throughout the season, and familiarity leads to conversations. I hope to get quite a few herbal infusions out of it too, and perhaps even a garden party. Our back yard garden is growing well, but is understandably limited as a conversation starter.
If you’re an introvert with a front yard, you might want to give gardening a try too. It’s easier for both W- and me to talk to people when there’s an excuse to do so, instead of just chatting with people out of the blue. Gardening provides an excellent excuse – people talk to us, or we can ask about other people’s gardens as we walk around. Lawns might draw remarks if they’re well-kept, but a more diverse and colourful garden will probably be easier. Have fun!
Paul Gillin invited me to do a tweetchat on the professional and personal value of blogging on March 3, 2011 (2pm-3pm EST, #infoboom). When I brainstormed some of the things I’d like to talk about, I ended up with a big list: not just the value I get from blogging, but also tips for how you can build that too. I hope you enjoy this blog series! You can also see other resources in this series.
A blog is an incredible way to connect with people. It helps people get to know who you are, what you’re interested in, what you’re good at, who you know, what you’re working on, and any entity till they got to share. Reading a blog, people can find out what you have in common with them, how you can help them, and how they can help you.
People like getting to know people. When you make a new acquaintance, you might look them up on the Internet to find out more about them. Likewise, people look you up to find out more about you. A blog can be like your self-introduction. Your about page can include a short biography, and your blog posts can provide further details for people who want to know more.
Make it easy for new acquaintances to find your blog by adding it to your e-mail signature, business card, and social networking profiles. That way, people can read your blog to build on a brief introduction. As a result, a prospective client or new acquaintance might discover common ground with you. It speeds up the process of introduction, and simplifies getting to know people.
Don’t count on being anonymous or obscure. If you have a blog that you’d rather people didn’t read, you might have a problem in the future. Even systems with privacy controls can disclose data through programming errors, accidents, or malicious use. Before you post something, think about whether you can deal with the consequences of sharing it. Don’t let that scare you away from sharing, though! People are generally good, and they probably won’t hold minor mistakes against you.
Tips:
How do people go from being acquaintances to colleagues or friends? How can you develop a chance conversation at a networking event into a partnership that last years? Shared experiences and personal knowledge go along way to deepening that connection, and you can help that along through your blog.
I find this aspect of blogging really helpful. It’s difficult for me to e-mail people to stay in touch, because I don’t want to waste people’s time. I’m often pleasantly surprised to hear from people who have kept in touch with me anyway by reading my blog. I appreciate being able to read other people’s blog posts and status updates as a way of finding out more about them without getting in their way. The conversation might grow in this low-key way until it becomes a friendship.
Tips:
A thank-you note is good; a public thank-you, done well, is even better. When you share what you’ve learned from people and your appreciation for how they’ve helped, that builds your relationship with those people, inspires others, and reflects well on you. It also helps people confirm what they’ve helped you learn and to share that with others – a great way to pay mentors back.
Tips:
A blog gives you both a reason and a way to reach out to people. If you’d like to talk to people but you aren’t sure how to start the conversation, you might write about those people on your blog. For example, you could share what you’re learning from them her even from a distance, and what you might want to talk to them about. Many people regularly search for their name, and they might come across your post and start the conversation. It’s an interesting way to meet book authors, thoughtleaders, and other people active on the Internet.
Don’t expect a response, but be ready in case people reach out. Who knows? Maybe you can even ask a question, and maybe people will share a quick answer. It can pay to ask.
Tips:
Around the world, lots of conversations are happening through blogs. Someone posts an idea. Others write blog posts linking to the first post and sharing their thoughts. Yet others write blog posts following up on those posts. Along the way, people comment on blog posts, share their reactions on Twitter and other social networks, and talk about posts in person or through e-mail.
Participating in the conversation is so much better when you have your own blog. You can write longer posts in it, and you can build an archive of your thoughts. If people think your thoughts are interesting, they can explore your blog to find out more. If your thoughts are sprinkled in comments on different blog posts, it’s harder for others to get that sense of you.
You’ll still want to reach out to other people through commenting on their blogs, of course. Many blogs can automatically detect blog posts that link to them, but it’s nice to leave a comment summarizing your thoughts and thanking people for the inspiration. Don’t make your comments all about you, though! When you’re commenting on people’s blogs, it’s like you’re chatting in their living room. You wouldn’t want to make the conversation all about you. Read comments on other people’s blogs to get a sense of the etiquette. Blatant self-promotion doesn’t work well. Focus on adding value to conversations on other blogs, and link to a relevant blog post if you’ve written about something in more details.
Tips:
![[me]](/blog/wp-content/themes/sacha-v3/images/face.png)
I'm Sacha Chua, and I'm on a 5-year
experiment in semi-retirement. I love coding, writing, drawing,
and sharing what I'm learning along the way.
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