I used to worry that relationships would distract me from what I want or need to do, but it turns out that marriage can be a wonderful influence. For example, my life is healthier than it probably would have been without W-. His experience as a bike courier and the trips we took together helped me gain the confidence to make biking my regular commuting method. (In city traffic, even!) I’ve graduated to thinking of rain as no barrier to biking, especially bundled up in my rain jacket, rain pants, and rain boots. (Not thunderstorms or snow yet; those are still scary.)

Yogurt was one of those things I never really liked eating before, although W- likes plain yogurt. Now we have a daily habit of eating yogurt. We started with packages of fruit-bottom yogurt, and now I’ve graduated to a bowl of plain yogurt swirled with home-made apricot syrup. Someday I might even grow to like unsweetened yogurt.

There are all sorts of skills I’d never try out on my own, too. We’ve built ourselves Adirondack chairs and a cage around our vegetables. I’ve helped patch and repaint things inside and outside the house. We recently poured a concrete post to support the deck (one of the posts was rotting). Now we’re learning how to properly lay patio stones on a bed of gravel.

W- is helping me build my exercise habits, too. The krav maga classes are a bit intimidating for me, so we’re working on building up my strength and confidence through workouts at home. I feel a little self-conscious about it being slow going, but he says it’s worth the time investment for him to help me turn it into a self-sustaining habit. 

As for me, I influence him to take notes, track his finances, and make frugal decisions. I’m good at wording things, too. He’s older than I am, so in the beginning I wasn’t sure if there was anything I could help him learn or improve, but it turns out that I have things to share too.

I don’t know if my friends could influence me in these ways. I don’t see people often enough, I think, and it would be weird for friends to nudge me into, say, eating yogurt more often. W- and I are in it for the long haul, so it makes sense to invest in skills and habits that make it better over time.  Why does it work?

Good habits rubbing off on each other: I can see W- regularly exercising and getting a kick out of it, and he can help me start getting the hang of it. I talk about decisions and my decision-making processes, and he asks me questions about investing.

Encouragement and positive reinforcement: I enjoy biking, but other forms of exercise are still in the “this is hard work, a little scary, and not at all fun!” phase. I am totally fine with hacking my motivation by turning it into a social thing, an “exercise date” at home.

Consistency: The other night, I was the one who reminded him that he skipped the previous night’s yogurt. We remember things for each other, and we can cheer each other on.

Maybe this is one of the things that partnerships are about. It’s pretty cool!

It might be interesting to get better at the meta-skill of getting better together. The better we get at being good influences for each other, the more we can improve our lives. This probably means being more conscious and deliberate about things we want to learn or habits we want to pick up, improving the way we communicate with and motivate each other, and maybe tracking the consistency and success of these changes so that we can celebrate or course-correct.

Onward and upward!