Category Archives: communication

What can I do to support friends?

An analogy: I remember reading that in the job market, good talent is hard to find. The people who are amazing are often already working for companies that make an effort to keep them happy. If something makes them dissatisfied, they have networks of people who have been trying to recruit them for years. So, when the opportunity to connect with, help out, or hire an amazing person comes up, you should take advantage of it.

I think good people might be like that too. I suspect there are way more good people than are on my radar, like the way that someone may not be a good fit for what you’e looking for but amazing for something else. Still, there are people whom I find it easy to resonate with. They rarely need help, so it’s good to be able to help them when they need it.

There are some things I need to keep in mind. Supporting people shouldn’t get in the way of my self-care or equanimity, or interfere with more important relationships. (No sense setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as some communities on Reddit say.) I can help, but I may need to remind myself that I can’t take responsibility for other people’s problems. At best, I can help them with scaffolding to make it easier for them to develop their own solutions. And it can’t be always an outgoing flow, getting people past the negative stuff; I should see a future where they’re on their feet, exploring things that inspire and engage me. They shouldn’t become dependent on me, and I shouldn’t become accustomed to being needed or encourage that. So, if I can help while keeping healthy boundaries, I think we can make this work.

Based on past experience, the dangers and tripwires I should watch out for include:

  • Supporting people to the point of feeling like it’s a duty or that I’m getting drained
  • Letting detrimental behaviours slide (for example: research says venting turns out to be bad for you, and I don’t like listening to it anyway)
  • Dealing with potential transference
  • Figuring out what’s needed: non-judgmental support versus feedback

But if I take responsibility for managing my self-care and I work out good communication protocols, it might work out.

2015-03-28a Looking closely at helping friends -- index card #support #friendship

2015-03-28a Looking closely at helping friends – index card #support #friendship

I might even be able to use the Ben Franklin Effect in an unusual way. By helping people, I may grow to appreciate them more.

It’s good for me too. It means being able to respond to the pull of shared humanity, helping people past rough patches so that they can move on and learn more. Besides, my Evil Plans could benefit from strong bonds with good people, not that people are instrumental or that those evil plans are well-formed or anything. And it’s good to see people triumph.

So, what can I do to help people who are going through difficult times?

2015-03-20e Supporting friends in crises -- index card #support #friendship

2015-03-20e Supporting friends in crises – index card #support #friendship

  • Help them with basic needs: People often neglect their need for good food, rest, and social interaction. I can cook more and drop off frozen meals, or they can visit me and we can make a relaxing afternoon of it (especially if I can drag them out for a walk in the park too).
  • Give them hugs: Because people don’t get enough hugs, and brain chemistry can be a powerful thing.
  • Listen to them and play back what I hear: Lots of people aren’t as used to untangling thoughts on paper or on their computer, so it can help for them to talk through what’s on their mind. If I take notes, that makes it easier for them to reflect on things later.
  • Share reflections, experiences: Because sometimes it helps to hear about other approaches and considerations.
  • Sit with people or check in with them as they solve their own stuff: Good for people who know what they need to do, but who might appreciate an extra boost in motivation, enthusiasm, and progress-tracking.

2015-03-20f Sharing alternatives -- index card #support

2015-03-20f Sharing alternatives – index card #support

Hmm. I’ve given reflections and alternatives a lot of thought, so it may sometimes be helpful to share these processes, tools, and generative questions with other people in case they want them. Not solutions, but ways to come up with your own solutions. That might be handy.

2015-03-20g Dig your well before you're thirsty -- index card #support #relationships

2015-03-20g Dig your well before you’re thirsty – index card #support #relationships

Assuming most of my friends have gotten to where they are now with some form of self-care, and they’re geeky enough to take on the challenge of figuring out what they need and experimenting to find out what works well, I could probably just ask people what they need in terms of support, offering suggestions to get the ball rolling. It would be even better to get something like that in place before bigger challenges arise. (Me, I like hugs and sunshine, but I don’t like being pressed for details. I prefer to choose what to discuss and whom to discuss it with, and I tend to write instead of talk.)

A good way this could play out might be:

  • Help people take care of the basics so that they have a clear head for taking on their challenges
    • Cook extra and pack, then visit or receive guests
  • Establish protocol for calling attention to odd things in a non-judgmental way
  • Support the mindset that this is temporary, local, and impersonal; support self-compassionate approaches
  • Celebrate progress
  • Help people get back to the point of energy and joy

Do I have a kind approach for dealing with situations that need more from me than I can give? It’s a responsibility I should consider before offering support, because it could turn into an additional rejection. There have been situations when people wanted support but I wasn’t in the right place to give it, or the resonance wasn’t there.

  • I can fade out, which appears to be the common way to handle this
  • I can explain what I understand, which could lead to additional conflict/load/challenge but could also lead to clarification and change
  • I can discuss this protocol, which has some of the negative impact from the second approach but allows people to control how much they want to know

Hmm. I haven’t really tried the second or third approach before. They feel more truthful to me, although it will take some learning in order to do them well.

But if my goal is to be able to sustainably develop strong connections with good people who may (as all people do!) go through both tough and awesome times in their life, and since I will also go through both tough and awesome times in my life, I think that having this kind of communication about communication might be interesting.

At the end of the day, to have people you can trust implicitly, whom you know so well and are so used to thinking with that you can look at situations in your lives with many people’s eyes, and yet whom you can count on to not injure or sacrifice themselves because of something they think you think you want – who will push back if needed and find a better way, and who expect the same of you – I think that might be wonderful.

Thinking about when I enjoy helping people

Sometimes I love helping people, and sometimes I feel hints of stress. I’m a good fit for some questions or approaches, and I’m not for others. What’s the difference, and how can I tilt it towards positive experiences more than negative ones? Let’s look at the negative side first, since that often gives strong clues.

2015-01-30 How can I get better at being clever on demand -- index card #emacs

2015-01-30 How can I get better at being clever on demand – index card #emacs

I tend to feel a little bit of an impostor syndrome around coaching, because I doubt my ability to be clever on demand. In terms of Emacs, I’m not a good substitute for Stack Overflow, mailing lists, or newsgroups. I’m not going to teach the One True Way of doing things. In terms of drawing, I’m not a visual thesaurus.

But I shouldn’t let this get in my way, since people don’t expect me to be those things. (And if they do, that’s under their control, not mine.) Instead, I can focus on the fact that people are often looking for a discussion of workflow options with some ideas, and that they’re going to translate those thoughts into something applicable to their situation anyway.

2015-02-09 Why do I respond differently to variants of the same question, and what can I learn from that -- index card #coaching #preference

2015-02-09 Why do I respond differently to variants of the same question, and what can I learn from that – index card #coaching #preference

I also feel a bit of friction when we start from a negative position (“This sucks”, “I’m frustrated”, etc.) instead of a positive one (“I’ve figured some stuff out”, “I’m looking forward to learning this”, etc.). I can filter it out when I pay attention, but it feels easier to build up something positive than to shore up something that’s sloping downwards.

I think part of it is the difficulty of distinguishing these situations:

  • someone who isn’t ready to change, but who wants to vent
  • someone who wants to change, but who’s frustrated at being stuck
  • someone who’s uncomfortable with being a beginner (still attached to the feeling of competence?)

Actually, the first situation can be identified by focusing on action. The third situation is a matter of mindset and patience. For the second situation, how can you tell the difference between something that will eventually become a good fit after practice and learning, and something that just doesn’t jive with what someone wants? Hmm. I think this is why I like focusing on building a tiny beachhead of happy competence first, because it’s frustrating to deal with the feeling of constantly running into walls.

On my side, it’s not fun to only see the parts where someone bumping into walls. I feel much better when people share their triumphs and excitement, too, instead of just presenting me with the next thing that annoys them. It’s like the criticism sandwich. I want to hear about stuff people like, not just stuff that needs to be fixed. In fact, I prefer it even more if people use something similar to my “How can we make this even better?” mindset: talk about what works and how we can improve.

Hmm. Since I do this voluntarily and I benefit a lot from focusing on people who energize me, perhaps I should just redirect people whose learning styles, stages, or mindsets aren’t a good fit for my own. A number of people offer paid-for services for the kinds of things people often ask me about, so I can refer work to them. Someone who isn’t ready to change won’t bother investing. Someone who’s frustrated at being stuck can more easily value help in moving forward. Someone who’s uncomfortable with being a beginner can benefit from the attention. But there’s no obligation for me to do that kind of emotional work for free, and I don’t need to earn money that way either.

So if I reduce the kind of help I don’t like to give, what kind of help would I like to focus on?

2015-02-06 What kind of coaching do I like to give -- index card #coaching #teaching

2015-02-06 What kind of coaching do I like to give – index card #coaching #teaching

I love it when people write about what they’re learning in blog posts or other ways to share with the community. I think the reflection time is important, and it helps me build on their understanding. I like reading blogs as a way to keep in touch. Best yet, blogging brings them closer to the community, so they (and I!) can learn from other people’s comments.

Few people blog. Sometimes people are intimidated by the thought of posting mistakes or not explaining things well enough. I think that’s actually one of the best reasons to write, since then you can learn more. Maybe requiring them to write blog posts (even rough notes) will demystify the process. It’s also a good way to see who takes action.

2015-01-15 What if I required people to pay it forward -- #workingoutloud #sharing #teaching

2015-01-15 What if I required people to pay it forward – #workingoutloud #sharing #teaching

Sometimes I take questions and turn them into blog posts myself. While this is useful, I don’t want to rely on it. If I do most of the writing, I benefit from the additional thought and connection, but I’m limited to what I can write about. I’d rather build up more voices in the community.

Hmm. There’s an abundance of questions to explore or topics to write about, so questions from other people are nice to have but not essential. On the other hand, questions from other people are helpful at identifying gaps so that I can fill them. So I’m a little divided on this, although I’m leaning towards requiring blog posts as a way for me to focus on people who create lots of value. These don’t have to be amazing, eloquent, insightful posts either. Rough notes with questions, ideas, or code is fine. The important thing is that the knowledge doesn’t get stuck in e-mail or in conversation.

2015-02-09 What characterizes people I like helping -- index card #coaching #preference

2015-02-09 What characterizes people I like helping – index card #coaching #preference

There’s an interesting idea there. Let’s say that there are a few people for whom my preferred way of teaching/learning is an excellent natural fit. If I focus my resources on those people, we might be able to accelerate each other’s learning tremendously. There might be more people who are somewhat compatible with my preferred way of teaching/learning. Maybe all they need is the nudge to try out blogging, for example. I can create resources to help them bridge the gap, or give quick tips here and there. There are also lots of people whose preferred ways of learning don’t mesh well with mine. It’s okay if they find other sources of help for now. As I grow, I’ll get better at handling a diversity of learning approaches, so I might intersect with them someday too.

2015-01-08 Imagining coaching or guiding others -- index card

2015.01.08 Imagining coaching or guiding others – index card

So maybe wild success looks like this: someone describes what they want to do and where they’re getting stuck or what they’re curious about. I suggest a couple of approaches, and maybe we explore them together. These experiences get turned into blog posts, and the blog posts generate more ideas and conversations. (They might even get compiled into books and courses.) The nature of the conversation is such that we’re both excited about learning, we both learn interesting things, and we both contribute to the greater community.

I like that. I think that’s worth investing time in. It feels selfish to say, “I’ll help here, but not there,” or to tell someone, “The way I work right now might not be a good fit for the way you work.” But if I take a step back and think of the other things that I could direct my time and energy to, it makes sense to try to allocate them where they would produce the most value. Hmm…

Learning from people

I have a friend who’s focusing on learning how to ask better questions. Actually, he realized his goal is probably to ask more questions in the first place, since even simple questions (“Where did you come from?”) can lead to interesting stories.

It got me curious about getting better at learning from people. I think this will help me learn about the stuff that I can’t find in books because:

  • New things often aren’t in books
  • There’s a lot of tacit knowledge that’s difficult to capture
  • Sometimes I don’t understand something well enough to research it
  • Talking to people can help me come across things I didn’t know to ask about

2015-01-20 Asking better questions -- index card #asking

2015-01-20 Asking better questions – index card #asking

I think getting better at asking questions and learning from people involves figuring out:

  • what to ask about (spotting opportunities or following curiosities)
  • who to ask
  • how to build rapport
  • how to pick the right time/place/sequence
  • how to frame the question (level of detail, phrasing, etc.)
  • how to follow up

So that gives me specific things to focus on in terms of learning from others and trying things out myself.

I’ve been thinking about two aspects of learning from people: working with mentors/coaches/trainers, and having casual conversations with other people.

2015-01-24 Imagining awesomeness at learning from people -- index card #learning #people

2015-01-24 Imagining awesomeness at learning from people – index card #learning #people


I’ve been lucky to have many mentors (both formal and informal) who helped me learn how to navigate organizations, find opportunities, build skills, and so on. But I haven’t been as deliberate about learning as I could have been. I periodically consider finding a coach for my writing or coding, but haven’t taken the leap.

I’ve heard from people who weren’t sure if therapy was working out for them; they couldn’t evaluate their progress. I think I’m hesitant for similar reasons. I’m uncertain about choosing candidates, asking useful questions, evaluating the results, and balancing the value and the opportunity cost.

This is precisely the sort of situation for which an opportunity fund is useful, because it pushes me to Just Try Things Out. I’m slowly warming up to that idea, hence all the blog posts thinking out loud.

Here are some areas I’m considering:

2015-01-19 Imagining an editing experiment -- index card #delegation #writing #editing

2015-01-19 Imagining an editing experiment – index card #delegation #writing #editing

For example, an editing experiment might help me develop a better mental model of an editor, forcing me to search for more specific vocubulary (down with “stuff”!), testing to see if something I’ve written makes sense, and checking for gaps.

2015-01-24 How can I learn from observation feedback -- index card #learning #people

2015-01-24 How can I learn from observation feedback – index card #learning #people

In addition to directly asking for specific help, I might learn a lot from general observation. A friend suggested Atul Gawande’s Better for its approach to learning: a surgeon inviting other surgeons to observe him and give feedback, even though this technique was mostly used by people with less experience. It makes sense to do that even when you’re more experienced, and it’s probably even more useful because people can swap tips or explain things they unconsciously do.

Other people

2015-01-24 Mixed feelings about learning from people -- index card #learning #people

2015-01-24 Mixed feelings about learning from people – index card #learning #people

I noticed that I have a strong bias towards online conversations instead of offline ones. Sure, online conversations might be lower-bandwidth or not as nuanced. But blog posts and comments expand the conversations to include other people, and it’s easier to follow up on threads of ideas. I think this preference is among the reasons why, compared to several years ago, I now spend much less time going to parties or meetups. Instead, I focus on writing and connecting online.

But I get plenty of writing time already, so maybe I should mix more offline conversations into my life. This would follow the principle that I shouldn’t always do what’s fun and easy. It makes sense to develop skills and routines in other areas as well. For example, I can imagine getting better at cultivating acquaintances through shared activities like cooking at Hacklab and hosting board game afternoons. I can test and refine several quick stories for small talk, which frees me up to focus on learning more about the other person through questions. It’s like the way foreign language learners can boost their feeling of fluency by anticipating common questions (“Where are you from?” “What do you do?”) and practising answers to those.

I think that getting better at asking questions and learning from people starts mostly from getting to know people as individuals. What makes them different? What’s interesting about their lives? There’s always something to find. The next step after that is to gradually build the acquaintance or the friendship through things like lunches or get-togethers. It makes sense to open my world so that I can come across good people. I enjoy their company, I grow in helping out, and I learn from the conversations with them and the mental models of them.

More thoughts

2015-01-25 Learning from people -- index card #learning #people

Thinking about this, I realized that I’m not bad at learning from people. I’m pretty good at learning from books, blogs, and online conversations, which is why I rely on those so much. But there are some aspects of learning from people that I can improve, and I can play around with those without cutting too much into the time I spend learning in other ways.

Let’s have a virtual Emacs conference in August – help me make it happen!

Why August? It’s an arbitrary target, although it tickles my brain to think about celebrating my 32nd birthday with awesome people sharing awesome ideas. (Incidentally, I’ll also reach the point of having been using Emacs for about half my life – doubly neat!)

Anyway. I think it would be great to have some kind of knowledge-swapping thing. Since I’m not particularly keen on travelling, not everyone can make it out to Canada, and it’s hard to make awesome in-person conference recordings anyway, maybe a virtual conference would be a great bet. I’m willing to spend what I would have paid for airfare on things like organization, speaker honoraria, and other good things.

I enjoyed the Emacs Conference in 2013, and I think we should figure out how to have these kinds of get-togethers more often. Emacs Chats and Emacs Hangouts are tiny steps in that direction, and I’d appreciate help in making this and many other community-ish things even better. =)

2015-02-02 Imagining an Emacs conference -- index card #emacs #conference #plans #organizing-people

2015-02-02 Imagining an Emacs conference – index card #emacs #conference #plans #organizing-people

So here’s what I imagine a virtual Emacs conference might be like. People volunteer, and somehow we organize a schedule of fascinating talks. This could be a full day, or maybe we’d spread it out over a couple of half-days (maybe even scheduled for different timezones so that everyone has something they can interact with life). We use Google Hangout on Air or a similar platform that can stream and automatically record. There’s the speaker with slides and screensharing, and there’s a moderator who can pick up questions from IRC and Google Hangout in order to ask them out loud. We might even be able to pull off panel discussions. Afterwards, there’s a playlist and a webpage with all the videos/MP3s/OGGs, and people can share their notes/discussions/follow-ups.

All this is immensely doable with the technology we have today. For free, even. Anyway, the technology should be okay.

What about topics? Here’s what I’m particularly curious about:

  • New features in Emacs 25 (and beyond)
  • Demos, workflows, and setup tips for popular toolsets/needs (ex: awesome setups for Clojure/CL, Rails, Javascript, C++, Java, writing, research)
  • Fascinating uses of Emacs
  • Good practices for Emacs Lisp: automated testing, performance, reliability, coding style/idioms (maybe even workshops along these lines)
  • Demystifying cool stuff: how core modules work, how to contribute to Emacs
  • A hackathon: get package.el headers on everything! fix bugs! make improvements! document!
  • Emacs microhabits, learning
  • Workshops: intermediate/advanced use of Org Mode, Calc, ESS, and other powerful packages
  • Emacs community-building and sharing

And people can suggest other topics, too. =) Maybe we can even figure out some kind of unconference setup: people suggesting topics they can share, quickly voting on what they’re interested in, and breaking up into separate “rooms” to share/discuss.

2015-02-02 Making a virtual Emacs conference happen -- index card #emacs #organizing-people #conference #planning #questions

2015-02-02 Making a virtual Emacs conference happen – index card #emacs #organizing-people #conference #planning #questions

An Emacs conference would be awesome. Here are my (pitiful) excuses for why I haven’t figured out how to organize one yet, and things I want to figure out (especially with people’s help):

  • Who might be interested in speaking? How does one go about organizing speakers, schedules, topics, tech, etc? I’m still slowly getting the hang of reaching out to people and inviting them to Emacs Chats.
  • Will people show up and ask questions? Part of me is worried that I’ll pick entirely the wrong date/time/topics and there’ll be awkward silence.
  • How can we handle questions? IRC, probably, so that people can chat about stuff too. I think I’m pretty comfortable at keeping an eye on stuff and repeating people’s questions. Or maybe people can join the Emacs Hangout if we can get the flow to be smooth?
  • Will the experience be pleasant and worthwhile? Maybe not as goosebump-inducingly awesome as being in a room with 80+ other Emacs geeks, but I think it will be worthwhile.
  • How can we harvest and share resources? Hangouts on Air will put videos on Youtube automatically, so that’ll be taken care of.
  • What would we need to do leading up to it? Something about a mailing list, and a webpage, and lots and lots of coordination.
  • Do I need to gain experience/confidence with smaller steps? Or maybe find some accomplices?

Of course, if someone wants to organize an in-person one, that’s cool too. Especially in Toronto. That would be awesome. =) (Although I might be able to get to New York or similar places too…)

My evil plans for a conference like this include:

  • Getting cool stuff out of people’s heads/fingers/configs and into a form that other people can look at, learn from, and link to
  • Ditto for good practices that can help us develop better code (performance)
  • Discovering resources and tips we might not have found out about otherwise
  • Sparking more conversations and follow-ups
  • Spurring people to create and share more resources

What could help the Emacs community learn even faster?

2015-02-01 Accelerating the Emacs community -- index card #accelerating #emacs

2015-02-01 Accelerating the Emacs community – index card #accelerating #emacs

How can we get more people sharing their configs, or learning from other people’s configs? How can we make it easier for people to share through blog posts, videos, animated GIFs, and presentations? How can we create spaces for people to connect, either with virtual meetups or in person? How can we swap interesting ideas, workflows, and mental habits? How can we improve our skills? How can we keep the conversation going?

Mm. Figuring out how to do virtual conferences might be a good start. Also, I’ve got this idea noodling around in my head on having some kind of an intermediate/advanced Org Mode workshop: something that covers clocking workflows, table calculations, literate programming, data analysis, publishing. Figuring out how to do virtual workshops would be awesome too.

Okay. First things first. Some kind of date and some kind of time, and some kind of help sorting out a schedule. August 8 and/or August 15, maybe? If librarians can hold an online conference through Google Hangouts, we should be able to figure this out too. (Librarians are super-cool!) If you have lots of experience in organizing virtual conferences or you have ideas for how to make this less intimidating for a non-organizer-y introvert, I’d love to hear from you in the comments or at [email protected]. Let’s make this happen!

Sometimes – often – I don’t feel like making conversation

My default state is quiet. I rarely listen to music while I work, unless I need to make it easier to ignore background conversations. I often find one-on-one conversations awkward. I like group conversations because other people can tell stories or ask questions, and I can dip into or out of the conversation when I want. So Hacklab tends to work for me, since there are occasionally good group conversations there, and people are friends with each other.

2014-10-06 Sometimes - often - I don't feel like making conversation

2014-10-06 Sometimes – often – I don’t feel like making conversation

I started to write a blog post about preparing for winter, something along the lines of being less social because of the activation costs of having to put on coats and take the subway instead of the bike. But I started looking at the numbers from my time tracking (counting both business-related and social non-family connecting time), and I’ve actually been less social in summer. I suppose it makes sense – meetups go on hiatus, people have other plans, and I’m off enjoying quiet time gardening or biking.

2014-10-15 20_25_51-Microsoft Excel - Book2

So maybe this fall and winter will be more social after all. Maybe I’ll make it out to Hacklab once or twice a week, and maybe I’ll start checking out meetups again. It’s good to practice connecting with people in person — although it’s certainly quite tempting to stay home, too. I have the sneaky suspicion that these online conversations might even be more worthwhile and longer-lasting. Still, there’s time to experiment with things, so why not?

Improving my response to oopses

I made a programming mistake recently. At the time we discovered the mistake, we thought it sent lots of e-mails to executives. The team lead and the project manager immediately went into damage-control mode, contacting each of the potentially affected executives and helping them with any workarounds. While they were doing that, I was scrambling to figure out the extent of the problem and any quick fixes I could put in that wouldn’t introduce a lot more risk.

My clients and I are on good enough terms that I don’t have to put on a poker face around them. They’ve heard me giggle over neat things I’ve gotten the system to do, and they’ve heard me try to rapidly braindump possible explanations and approaches. I get quite unintelligible when I’m in the middle of something. My team lead was quick to reassure me that he accepted responsibility for the mistake, that I wouldn’t get into trouble, and that I shouldn’t be stressed. It’s logical. Too much stress, and you end up with negative productivity.

It turned out to be a smaller problem than we thought it was. That was a relief. After we sorted things out, I took a moment to reflect on that spike of stress and uncertainty, and how I could respond to mistakes better next time. I blogged a post-mortem of the mistake on the internal social network, identifying some Swiss-cheese factors that contributed to the error. I also thought about how I could improve my external response to things like this. Sure, I might be getting better at imposing order inside my brain instead of freaking out, but maybe a calm “Yes, this might be serious, but we can figure things out”-type response is better than “I feel worse than you do, and will scramble to fix this.”

2014-09-15 On programming and mistakes

2014-09-15 On programming and mistakes

2014-09-15 Future responses to oopses

2014-09-15 Future responses to oopses

It was good to have reflected on this. A few days later, we were faced with a technical issue that wasn’t my fault, but was still a challenge that we had to solve. I tested my take-charge attitude, and that worked out well. Even though we hadn’t anticipated that specific problem, we had a contingency plan that covered that general case. We stayed calm and worked through it. It was good.

I like this. It’s good to test new responses to challenging situations. Part of growing up, I guess!