I don't know what Toronto's parenting resources will look like post-COVID-19, but I want to remember how grateful I am for what A- and I were able to enjoy during these first few essential years.

Right from the start of A-‘s life, Canadian healthcare was there for us. She was born okay, but I ended up needing an emergency transfer and blood transfusion. We spent a few days recovering in the hospital. When we returned home, the midwives did the well-baby visits in the comfort of our living room.

A-‘s left eye stayed closed. We didn't worry. These things happen sometimes. When it stayed closed, the midwives recommended that we take her to a doctor, and the doctor referred us to Sick Kids Hospital. Two weeks after she was born, we had the official diagnosis: microphthalmia of the left eye. A-‘s eye had stopped developing at some point during gestation. Since microphthalmia is often accompanied by other conditions, the midwives helped us find a pediatrician and the pediatrician sent us for a full work-up. A- also had a palpable murmur, so we started seeing a cardiologist as well. For a while it seemed that every time we went to Sick Kids Hospital, we ended up with another follow-up appointment with a different department. A- took to crying as soon as she saw the posters at the entrance of the hospital. I asked the hospital's child life specialists for tips on how to make this easier for her, and they recommended spending some time decompressing and trying to make a positive association with the hospital at each visit. We made a habit of going to the family resource centre at the hospital to read books and play with toys.

A- went under general anesthesia twice when she was five months old (one eye examination and one liver MRI), and lots of blood tests and ultrasounds. Dazed by sleep deprivation and overwhelmed by all the new terms I learned to spell and search for, I was so, so, so thankful that all of this was covered under public healthcare, that W- was in the thick of all of it with me, and that the Stoic principle of amor fati made it easier for me to embrace everything.

A- wasn't gaining as much weight as her pediatrician would have liked. It turned out that that was mostly because she started out big and then gradually settled down on being a small sort of human, the way W- and I are–but we weren't quite sure back then. Better safe than sorry. I hit up all the resources I could find. The Toronto Public Health breastfeeding clinic had lactation consultants and an infant scale that I could use to measure A-‘s weight in between pediatrician visits. When we continued to be concerned, they referred me to the Healthy Babies Healthy Children program (my notes). A nurse and a home visitor helped me keep a close eye on A-‘s development through the Nipissing District Developmental Screen. They answered my questions and taught me parenting skills. They also connected me with the Peer Nutrition program, which included workshops with nurses and one-on-ones with a registered dietitian. This led me to Ellyn Satter's model of the division of responsibility in feeding, which we've found very useful.

Eventually A-‘s growth chart looked more reasonable. (She stopped dropping percentiles, whew!) We could actually start enjoying ourselves. We borrowed tons of books from Toronto Public Library. We went to EarlyON parenting centres to play with toys, ask questions, join circle time, and meet other people. A few centres even had toy lending libraries, so we got to play with a succession of toys at home.

The fog slowly receded as our immediate medical questions were resolved. I could think about slightly longer-term things. What were we dealing with? I worried about potential neurological risks¹ from A- going under general anesthesia a couple of times, or other developmental issues that might only become apparent as A- grew. It didn't help that A- ended up needing dental surgery under general anaesthesia due to tooth decay (which we discovered at a Peer Nutrition follow-up session on oral health, so thank goodness I went to that presentation!). While writing this, I came across a 2016 Canadian study on multiple exposures to general anesthesia ² seems pretty reassuring, but I hadn't read it back then. I wanted to keep on top of early childhood development and learn as much as I could.

Many people in Microphthalmia, Anophthalmia Parent Support talked about how helpful occupational therapy and other services had been, even for kids with good vision in one eye. I talked to a caseworker at the Canadian National Institute for the Blind. She tested A-‘s vision and coping skills with a fascinating array of light-up toys and little things, and she concluded that A- probably didn't need any services at the time. She sent me a resource kit, just in case. I checked out lots of other resources too, just in case. A- never really took to childminding, so she was always underfoot or in my lap as I attended sessions on parent advocacy, developmental challenges (Let's Get Started), positive parenting (Nobody's Perfect) and speech and language (through Toronto's Early Abilities program). We also attended workshops that were more parent-and-child-focused, such as Make the Connection. I read lots of books and research papers, too. I had never spent much time around kids, so I wanted to learn as much as I could.

As A- passed each milestone, I was able to let go of more concerns and enjoy things more. It felt almost as if going around with a kiddo helped me see another layer to the city. We spent more time in parks, playgrounds, and community centres. We floated and waded in community pools and splash pads. We watched animals at the Riverdale Farm. We regularly went to the Royal Ontario Museum (there was one time that all A- wanted to do was climb up and down the stairs) and the Ontario Science Centre (I always needed to bring extra clothes for her, since she loved playing at the water table). We went to music classes at the Royal Conservatory of Music.

EarlyON centres were the best of all. I had so many questions, and the centres had teachers and early childhood educators who could give us personalized advice. I loved observing how the parent workers interacted with kids (getting down to the kids' level, using positive language, singing lots of songs about transitions and routines, empathizing with kids' feelings, cheerfully distracting and redirecting kids) and how they interacted with other grown-ups (encouraging us, reassuring us, teaching us, showing us by example). As A- grew older, we went to workshops on kindergarten readiness, literacy, and math. We even made friends with some of the other kids and parents who went to the same centre regularly. When the COVID-19 pandemic changed the landscape, we attended virtual circle times and workshops organized by the same EarlyON folks that A- and I had gotten to know in person.

A- is 4.5 years old now, and we're slowly shifting toward the school-age stuff. We survived the 0-3 stage, woohoo! I'm writing this to remember what it felt like then and what it feels like now. Who knows, maybe it might add to a policy-maker or agency worker's understanding of the kind of difference these programs make in someone's life, or it might inspire other families to cobble together something similar from the programs and resources available in their area. I feel incredibly lucky to be supported by all these people and resources around us. I hope families can still have that kind of support as we figure out what this new world can be.

Here are my notes on Paul Tough's 2016 book Helping Children Succeed: What Works and Why. It turns out that he's made the book freely available online, so you can read the book with embedded videos and links.

The main thing I got from it is the importance of thinking about the environment kids learn in. A- has a pretty low-stress environment at the moment, although she might run into a few challenges later on. As I help A- learn, I also want to help her internalize these messages, which I've paraphrased from the book:

I belong.	I can do that through our relationship by being warm, responsive, and encouraging.
I grow.	I can reinforce this by telling stories about how she's learning.
I can do it.	I can scaffold her learning and encourage her when she's frustrated.
It's worthwhile.	I can show how her learning pays off and I can help her set inspiring challenges.

I can influence the development of non-cognitive traits through our relationship and through the kind of work she does.

When I read the section on home visiting, it reminded me of how much I appreciated the Healthy Babies Healthy Children home-visiting program run by Toronto Public Health. The nurse and the home visitor taught me more about playing with A- by highlighting small things I was doing well. Because they called attention to those practices, that made it easier for me to do more of those things. I like doing something similar with A-, noticing and naming the things she's doing well so that she gets a sense of her growth.

The book is okay, kinda light, but it isn't a must-read. It was a good nudge to think about what A-‘s picking up in addition to the things that are easier to measure and observe.

We have a huge box of assorted crayons left over from J-‘s childhood, so I decided to make it one of my life goals to finish the box. Besides, I think A- will develop a stronger appreciation of how fun making art is if she sees me learning how to enjoy it myself. Today she woke up pretending that we were fish, so I drew a fish.

A- wanted to draw one too, so I put my drawing under hers and she traced over it.

I also made this drawing of a cloud a few weeks back. I liked the way adding grey made the cloud feel more cloudy.

I've even been able to use crayons to doodle a sketchnote exploring some of my thoughts. After I scanned it, I used Krita to rearrange and ink it. I'm waiting for the Free Software Foundation's go-ahead to post it on my blog when they put it up on their site (next month, probably?), so you can't see it yet. I like the prospect of moving some more thinking/drawing time into doodling time with A-.

Who knows, I might actually expand my visual vocabulary and learn how to draw non-stick-figure stuff. Yay childhood!

A- sat in her sled for a long time after she slid down the hill. I went over to check on her. She said, “I want to sled down with someone.” I said, “I'm here.” She said, “I want to sled down with someone who is a kiddo.” I checked with nearby friends, but no one was available. We talked a little about making friends.

It felt like a big moment. She's starting to turn towards her peers, and that's wonderful. I knew I wanted to make it my moment of the day. No picture of it, of course, but it was easy to jot a few keywords into my journal and then flesh it out after putting her to bed.

I tried something different with this sketch. I drew it on paper with a gel pen, took a picture of it, and imported into Medibang Paint as line art. I tried using layer masks to isolate areas for painting, and that made colouring it more fun. It took about 45 minutes.

This sketching thing is pretty fun. I prefer colouring on my phone, since it's easy to adjust the colours and I don't need lots of markers. I'm okay sketching on my phone, but scrolling around is a bit tough. Paper might be handy for keeping the big picture in mind, and bond paper is thin enough for me to trace a second version of the drawing if I want to refine my sketch. I haven't settled down on a favourite pen yet, so I'll check out the art store. I think getting the hang of paper might be better than going digital for now, at least for the base sketches. Paper makes it easier for A- to pick things up, lowers the risk tremendously, and makes it easier for me to do it pretty much anywhere.

Here are a few other sketches.

A-‘s kindergarten readiness program will wrap up in three weeks. So far, the best uses of my two-hour drop-off sessions have been:

• working on time-sensitive consulting requests
• drawing and writing thoughts
• updating my journal
• reading parenting books and taking notes

After the program ends, I can shift back to taking A- to drop-in centres. I’ll move consulting back to Saturday babysitting sessions, and I’ll try to make time for reading and thinking after A- goes to bed or during independent play practice time. I can use the 1-hour drop-off music class for Emacs News and a little journaling, so that’s taken care of too.

What can I do with the remaining 18 hours more of drop-off focus time so that the next phase is better?

It’s been nice having some overlap with business hours when consulting and I enjoy developing my Python skills, but I can also accomplish that by moving babysitting sessions to a weekday. If I want to move the needle, I think I need something else. Thinking and writing, then. Sometimes it’s hard to give myself the permission to explore thoughts during my once-a-week babysitting sessions because there are so many other activities with clearer and more immediate payoffs, like working on client requests, tidying the house, or preparing food. If I invest the time into planning what I want to learn, thinking through my questions, reading key resources, and reflecting on how things are going, though, I think that might help me give myself permission to make more space for things like that.

E-mail, texts, and social media are still pretty far down on the priority list. I’m not quite at the level of feeling time affluence again, but I’m sure I’ll get there someday.

So, what do I want to learn more about?

I recently read Happier (2007) by Tal Ben-Shahar. It got me thinking about how to increase the present benefits and future benefits of my parenting-related activities, since those take up the vast majority of my waking time. I’ve also been thinking about Mihály Csíkszentmihályi’s research on flow and the interplay between challenge in skill. High challenge and low skill results in anxiety, low challenge and high skill results in boredom, and flow happens when things are just right. I wonder how to have more flow experiences while parenting.

I’ve been gradually reducing my parenting-related anxiety by checking my perceptions of challenges and testing how things really are. For example, the kindergarten readiness program helped me test A-‘s ability to separate from me, connect with teachers, adapt to classroom routines, and be with other kids. Her growing interest in playing with other people and her ability to tell me how she feels about her interactions reassure me that she’ll probably be able to make good friends. She’s still self-conscious about her eye, she hangs on to perceived slights for a surprisingly long time, and she occasionally resists having to do things for herself, but all those things are probably pretty normal and we can help her slowly work through them if she wants. She sometimes tells me that she’s bored, so I’m helping her figure out how to challenge herself. I think she’s going to be okay.

I’m finding it easier to not get bored playing with A-, too. Inspired by what I’ve been learning from textbooks about play therapy, Reggio Emilia, and other topics, I’ve been challenging myself to be a researcher trying to discover A-‘s interests, projects, and thoughts about the world. I’m working on stepping back, observing, making hypotheses, and testing those with questions and suggestions. I’m treating this as a chance to improve my mindfulness and creativity. I also want to make the most of the ways that parenting is different from programming, such as negotiation, co-learning, and surprise.

So, how can I use these short snippets of time away from A- to make better use of time with A-?

I want to invest some time in thinking about how to make daily space for me to update my journal and reflect on questions. It’s hard to do it after she goes to bed. Since I still snuggle her to bed (great for heart-to-heart conversations), I sometimes end up falling asleep myself. I might be able to stay awake and get a head start on thinking by reflecting on a clear question while I wait for her to fall asleep. Waking up early hasn’t worked in the past because she sometimes ends up waking up early too, throwing the rest of our schedule a little off, but maybe I can do it if I write on my phone while she dozes beside me. She’s also slowly getting better at independent play time, which gives me a little time to draw or write on a sketchpad. I don’t want to update journal entries on my phone then, since it just looks like phone time, but sketching thoughts on paper seems to be okay.

It might be interesting to see how I can get better at sharing that documentation with her. I bought a few books on pedagogical documentation that might be good to review. A- really liked the quick 4-picture collage I threw together in Canva and printed from my phone. She liked looking at the pictures and numbers, having someone reading the captions to her, and even pointing at the pictures and telling her own story. When we switch to spending more time at drop-in centres, I’ll be able to capture more of her interests. If I set a goal of printing out a sheet like that once a week, it might spark more conversations and follow-ups. If I spend some time on my laptop and make a Canva template that I can easily update from my phone, that might reduce the effort.

A- seems to like my little drawings in the calendar, so we could try adding that to our evening routine. Later on, if I want more space to draw or write in, a Hobonichi Techo or some other paper diary might be a good approach. I wonder if I can even glue small photos into it.

It might also be worth updating our list of favourite meals and researching a few things to try, especially ones that A- can help me prepare. If I can move some tidying into the week, that frees up some babysitting time too. And if I can think of ways to encourage J- and her friends to help around the house, or to take advantage of any babysitting time they can spare, that can move time around as well.

Structured activities are a bit of a hit-or-miss with A-, who often has a clear idea of what she wants to do. I like taking advantage of the activities at the drop-in centres, since other people have gone to the trouble of collecting materials and setting things up. It was nice trying out Playing Preschool’s themed reading lists and activities, though, so it might be worth spending a little time in the afternoon (maybe during independent play time) getting those ready. Also, if I read about the ideas behind activities, then I might be able to make better use of the activities at drop-in centres. I can also ask parent workers while I’m there.

So it might be good to use the time from kindergarten readiness for:

• writing and drawing reflections on what A- and I are learning, so that we can build on that
• thinking about how to improve our daily and weekly routines
• learning about early childhood education, pedagogical documentation, and other things that can enrich time with A-
• improving my photo workflow so that I can make something I can share with A-

At the end of the kindergarten readiness program, I think it would be wonderful if:

• I’m ready to make the most of the activities at the drop-in centres by suggesting the right level of challenge, providing interesting vocabulary words, and capturing her interests for follow-ups
• I’ve figured out how to update my journal at least weekly and maybe share my reflections on a more regular basis
• We’re all set to cook together and do other household chores
• I can make at least one photo collage a week, maybe even involving her in the process

Might be fun!

A- has been going to a two-hour kindergarten readiness program three times a week. It’s a drop-off program, so it was a good opportunity to test how she would do in a group situation. I knew that she could separate from me because she was happy to play with babysitters, and she was familiar with different activities and centres because I’ve been taking her to the EarlyON drop-in centres. I wasn’t sure about committing to preschool or daycare, though, so the 10-week kindergarten program I found was just the right thing for testing things out. It actually runs four times a week, but we skip Mondays to go to music class instead, and that’s been all right.

The first week went smoothly, but the second and third week were tough for A-. She cried at drop-off and didn’t want to go to school. I had to peel her off me a couple of times. Still, it was a good opportunity for her to learn how to calm herself down. The teacher was amused by how she quickly got the hang of the “cooldown couch,” going there when she was crying and joining the class when she had calmed down.

When I talked to A- afterwards, she told me that she didn’t like school because teachers sometimes told her what to do. She wanted free play time with Mama instead. I told her that life is like that. Part of the time, you need to follow other people’s instructions, and part of the time, you can do your own thing. The better you get at doing what people want you to do, the more freedom you get to do what you want to do.

I really liked the way A- and I can talk about how she feels about school. When she said that school is boring, I asked her why. We talked about what she found easy or hard, and how doing what the teachers ask her to do shows them what she can do and can lead to more interesting challenges.

Another time, A- told me that she didn’t like school because the teachers told her what to do. I asked her what they tell her to do, and she said that when she finishes the craft, they tell her that she can go and read. “But I don’t know how to read yet,” she said. I clarified that it was okay for her to look at pictures. We also came up with the idea of donating one of her books so that she had something familiar to look through if she wanted. She picked “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back,” so we gave that.

She also mentioned that she didn’t like school because they didn’t sing Wheels on the Bus during circle time, so I coached her on speaking up when teachers ask if anyone wants a particular song.

The following week, A- mentioned how she didn’t like it when teachers called her name and told her to do something. After a bit of probing, I found out that she was talking about when they’re being called one-by-one for pick up – she didn’t want to interrupt her playing to see me!

A- generally liked snack time. Asking what she had for snack and if she liked it was usually an easy way for us to start talking about her morning. She could sometimes tell me what they did for craft time or if they sang her favourite songs at circle time. If I asked her how school was, she just said, “Fine,” so it was good to ask about specifics.

We’re 8 weeks into the 10-week program, so the teachers have been doing evaluations. The main teacher told us that A- is highly verbal and happy to contribute to conversations. She understands the games and activities that the teachers explain and is usually one of the first to join in. They’re working with her on getting better at tracing letters on worksheets.

I feel pretty confident that A- will adapt all right to kindergarten. We have a morning routine that gets us out of the house at a reasonably early time. She’s been great at giving her ocular prosthesis to the teacher if she takes it out. She can talk to us about what’s going on and how she feels about it. We haven’t tested what it would be like for her to be in a group situation the whole day, although she’s happily been with babysitters for eight hours at a time. She’ll probably get the hang of it quickly.

As for me, I’ve been using the time to read parenting books and resources, take notes, update my journal, write down or draw my thoughts, run errands, chat with other parents, catch up on email, and compile Emacs News. It’s not quite long enough to get deep into programming or consulting, and I don’t want to lug my laptop around anyway. A Bluetooth keyboard makes writing things like this post much more comfortable, though. It’s been nice having a frequent 2-hour break to do those things.

Time to start planning what to do after the kindergarten readiness program ends. I’m okay with not doing worksheets. Going to drop-in centres usually results in lots of interesting new activities that I can sneak math or science into. A- is fascinated by books and asks me to read quite a lot of them, so I’m not worried about that either. I think we’ll do fine by just going to drop-in centres, with Saturday babysitting and maybe the occasional extra babysitter session if I need to catch up. We might do another kindergarten readiness program during the summer before school, since there are a few full-day options then. I want to get better at scaffolding A-‘s learning and appreciating her growth, and I’m glad I’ve been able to read more about early childhood education while A- was in class. I’m looking forward to trying out those ideas!

I was delighted to find a textbook called Learning and Teaching Early Math: The Learning Trajectories Approach at an EarlyON drop-in centre. The Esso Family Math program reminded me to talk to A- about math concepts beyond counting, and it was great to learn about math in early childhood education in even more detail.

Subitizing: This is about instantly recognizing small groups without counting them. The key tip was: “Use small number words in everyday interactions as often as you can.” S straight-line arrangements of homogeneous objects are the easiest, then rectangular, then scattered. Presenting different groupings can help kids learn how to add groups up to get a total.

Counting: When A- counts too quickly, she sometimes misses items or double-counts. I can encourage her to focus on accuracy by saying something like, “Slow down and try very hard to count just right.” Pointing, touching, or moving items can help. This is a good time to introduce board games.

Comparing, ordering, and estimating: Number lines are hard to work with. 10-frames might be a good starting point. Estimating can be helped by subitizing and using benchmarks. Games to play: building stairs that are missing a step, matching place settings, asking “Who is older?,” asking “Is it fair?”

Arithmetic: Predict, then count to check. “Counting up to” can lead to subtraction (5, 6, 7, 8). When A- starts doing math in school, it can be good to help her learn how to use her non-writing hand to count as a way of confirming. The textbook had a good breakdown of different types of problems and their difficulty: change-plus, part-part-whole, change minus; a + ? = b; ? + a = b. Showing dot diagrams can help with subitizing and decomposition. (6 = 0 + 6 = 1 + 5 = …) Break apart to make 10. See which numbers can be shown with the same number of fingers raised on each hand.

Spatial thinking: Feely box? Also, talking about patterns, landmarks. Taking pictures of things and their immediate surroundings, then going on a scavenger hunt. Make my picture. Shadows.

Shape: Don’t forget to show different variants instead of just typical triangles, etc. Identify squares as a special type of rectangle. Talk about attributes (points, sides, …). Show distractors. Secret sorting – guess my rule.

Composition and decomposition of shapes: Pre-composer, piece assembler, picture maker, shape composer, substitution composer, shape composite iterator, shape composer with superordinate units. Block & LEGO building: planned, systematic; verbal scaffolding. Agam program? Pattern block: outlines, vertices, matching sides, internal lines.

Geometric measurement: Standard rules are more interesting and meaningful? Teaching kids to line up endpoints. Cut pieces of string to help with indirect measurement. Subskills: iteration, zero point, alignment. Logo programming can be helpful. Talk about bigger, smaller, longer, shorter. Area is hard; try folding/cutting/moving paper. Talk about capacity/volume, angle, finding similar angles.

Patterns: Not just visual patterns (ABAB) – the search for mathematical regularities and structures. Be careful about using = – don’t use it to list objects (John = 8, Marcie = 9), numbering collections (III = 3), strings of calculation (20 + 30 = 50 + 7 = 57 + …). Provide variety (ex: 8 = 12 – 4). Contrast with > and <. All math is a search for patterns, structure, relationships.

How do you know? is a very powerful question. Ask it to get kids reflecting on how they figure things out. Challenging tasks result in better long-term memory. Promote a growth mindset instead of a fixed one. Well-designed computer manipulatives can be worthwhile.

Parents:

• Talk about bigger numbers (4-10) for sets of present, visible objects
• Discuss math while reading
• Keep fathers involved
• Talk about geometry and spatial relationships
• Do puzzles, play math games
• Cook with kids
• Have high to very high expectations
• Don’t worry about base 10 blocks, etc.

The book mentioned that many early educators tend to spend just a little time on math, and may even have a bit of math anxiety themselves. I like math, so it might be good if I handle sneaking in more of it during play time. Based on this, I think I’m going to try:

• Bringing a die around so that we can use it for subitizing practice and impromptu dice/board games
• Looking for developmentally-appropriate spatial puzzles at the drop-in centres
• Using more comparative language (bigger/smaller) when we’re playing with playdough
• Making up patterns and talking about patterns I see around me (“I noticed that…” “What do you think the next one will be?”)
• Taking advantage of A-‘s interest in fairness, comparison, etc.