Category Archives: life

Cultivating coping mechanisms

2015-04-20b Cultivating coping mechanisms -- index card #self-care #coping

2015-04-20b Cultivating coping mechanisms – index card #self-care #coping

I’m not sure if other people do this, but I figured I’d write about how I deliberately cultivate certain coping or self-soothing behaviour, in case it resonates with anyone.

Whenever I come across a mildly stressful situation, I use that as an opportunity to practice and reinforce ways to deal with it. For example, I like getting hugs, so I’ve learned to create that feeling for myself and I’ve learned to ask people for hugs when I need it. I associate hot chocolate with comfort and self-care instead of having it as a regular luxury, so it’s there as a treat when I really need it. I tell myself that it’s impossible for me to stay sad when I’m eating ice cream, and that becomes the case. I practise elucidating what I’m feeling, accept it, and experiment with ways to improve the situation. I give myself permission to stop trying to do things that require a lot of thinking and energy, and to instead focus on cooking and other easy ways to create value for myself and others. I figure out good walks and relaxing forms of exercise. I guiltlessly spend time cuddling the cats.

Sometimes I’ll focus on remembering what it feels like to be comforted and happy and safe while, say, mind-mapping thorny feelings, and eventually it becomes easier and easier to do so.

When more stressful situations come, I have some idea of what works for me, and I have positive associations around those techniques. I wonder if it’s a little like clicker-training yourself… =) Anyway, I’ve been finding it easier and easier to deal with life’s little curveballs. I don’t know the magnitude at which things will start to overwhelm me again, but it’s nice to know that I can handle more and more. In the meantime, even obstacles can be fuel for greater happiness and equanimity. =)

Being extra-kind to myself

I enjoy an awesome life in general, so it feels a little indulgent to focus on making it better. But for the next few weeks, I think I’ll experiment by being even kinder to myself. It’s not just a matter of spending the entire day reading or playing video games… (On the plus side, W- and J- are avid players of the Persona RPG series too, so we get to joke about the game and swap notes.)

2015-04-17b Being extra-kind to myself -- index card #self-care

2015-04-17b Being extra-kind to myself – index card #self-care

I think it’s about paying attention to the kinds of things that give me (and other people) joy, and finding a great balance. If I read too much without writing or trying things out, I feel disconnected. If I play too much, my brain feels buzzy. I enjoy other things too: cooking, taking care of things, cuddling the cats… I derive a lot of pleasure from creating a good life for myself and for the people closest to me. Oh, and there are little splurges that aren’t actually all that expensive: strawberries while they’re sweet, seeds and starters, 100% cotton fabric. (Maybe as an extra treat, I’ll buy a yard of a Liberty print and see what all the fuss is about).

Mm. Yes, I think I’ll cultivate these as my favourite ways of self-care:

  • paying attention to and appreciating life
  • making things, imagining them, tweaking them, improving my skills

in addition to the other ways I’ve been keeping my life relaxed and open.

2015-03-25a Learning about taking care of myself -- index card #self-care

2015-03-25a Learning about taking care of myself – index card #self-care

I changed my mind about the e-mail thing, by the way. I rather like this relaxed approach to e-mail. I want to see if I can continue doing it, maybe even quiet that occasionally guilty part of me that worries about messing up other people’s plans.

2015-04-17e Slowing down e-mail -- index card #email #slow #relax #experiment #semi-retirement

2015-04-17e Slowing down e-mail – index card #email #slow #relax #experiment #semi-retirement

I figure it’s as good a time as any to get even better at self-care. Dig your well before you’re thirsty, after all. Build your skills and habits before you need them.

2015-03-25b Why have I focused on self-care -- index card #self-care

2015-03-25b Why have I focused on self-care – index card #self-care

Considering tech and the home

I came across an interesting exercise in Barbara Sher’s I Could Do Anythng If I Only Knew What It Was: to pick a scenario and try fully committing to it, even just for a little while.

Let’s say that this current lifestyle is the thing that I’m going to fully explore. I’ve started thinking of it as blending technology and non-technology interests, building a little on the idea of exploring that future where tech is more integrated into the home. I’m not the only one exploring it (yay!), but there aren’t that many people with the opportunities to do so yet, so maybe I can bring some useful ideas and insights to it.

So: laser cutting and sewing, Emacs and cooking, days with the abundance of time that science fiction writers used to predict we’d enjoy.

What would this life look like, carried to its fullest extent? What steps can I take to move towards that? How would this life evolve as technology advances and my skills improve?

One direction people go with lives like this is that of homesteading: building up more independence by growing and making more things. I like being close to the library, subway, and supermarket, so maybe that lifestyle isn’t quite for me yet.

Another direction is to stay where you are, but improve the way you do things.

  • I want to make more customized things, like the way I like wearing the tops I’ve sewn. Who knows, I might even get good enough to sew things for other people. As I get better at imagining and constructing things, I might also be able to apply those skills to laser-cutting, 3D printing, and other manufacturing technologies.
  • I want to get better at repurposing things, getting more value out of stuff before we recycle or trash them.
  • I want to gradually swap out more of our consumables with reusables. For example, I can make produce bags out of mesh. Then we won’t need to use plastic bags for fruits and vegetables.
  • I want to cook a wider variety of recipes, and I want to prepare each recipe better. I also want to get better at transforming leftovers.

I feel a little odd about a life that seems so focused on such a small area (of interests, of geography, etc.). I feel some internal resistance around that. But hey, Emacs is a pretty niche thing too. Besides, it might be interesting to take notes and see where this goes.

Related sketches:

2015-03-27b Resistance to different dreams -- index card #resistance 2015-04-16a Imagining a week of taking it easy -- index card #relaxing #life 2015-04-16b What does my Resistance sound like -- index card #resistance 2015-04-16d What if I extrapolated this rest to awesomenss -- index card #life 2015-04-16e How can I cross-pollinate interests

Laser cutting update: Marvel version

I cut the Marvel-licensed fabric that I picked up from Affordable Textiles on Queen Street (near Spadina) on the laser cutter. It worked out beautifully. I reused the SVG I tweaked after last week’s experiments. As it turns out, even with a 45″ one-way design, 1.5 yards is enough for a top, enough bias strips to bind the neckline and armholes, and two pairs of liner squares. There will be small scraps that I can use for other projects, too.

2015-04-14 21.52.43

This will be my 12th top, and I have the fabric for a 13th if I wanted to. I’m currently wearing the top that I laser-cut out of 100% Italian cotton. 100% cotton seems much more comfortably breathable than the polyester-cotton blend in the broadcloth that I practised with. Maybe I’ll do a few more tops as I come across colours and patterns that I like, and I’ll also gradually branch out to other patterns as well.

A checklist of things to try, fabric-wise:

  • Cotton
    • Fabric ordered online – maybe this cute Dr. Seuss fabric or something else from Jo-Ann (or maybe this one), to remind me to have fun
    • Something from Etsy
    • Fabric using someone else’s design, maybe off Spoonflower
    • Fabric I design
  • Stretch knit
  • Silk or other slippery fabrics

Mwahahaha. =)

2015-04-14d Laser-cutting fabric is awesome -- index card #laser #hacklab

2015-04-14d Laser-cutting fabric is awesome – index card #laser #hacklab

Thinking about my sewing next steps, particularly with the laser cutter

My laser-cutting experiment went well. I can use Hacklab’s laser to cut pieces of fabric for the plain tops I’ve been making. I sewed one up yesterday, and it was a breeze. The notches lined up, the dart lines were easy to follow, and everything came together neatly. So, what’s next?

  • I can use this new technique to sew a number of additional tops, perhaps in fabrics that are more breathable than the polyester broadcloth I developed my skills on.
  • I can look into decorative elements, maybe using fusible interfacing to stabilize the fabric (ex: http://www.kobakant.at/DIY/?p=1611). Appliqués? Cut-outs? Repeated patterns? I tend to prefer simple clothes, so I may just stick with cutting out the basics.
  • I can start exploring fabrics that were previously more intimidating, such as stretch fabrics (maybe a fitted cotton jersey shirt, or leggings for yoga?) and silk.

I think a few exercise tops or fitted T-shirts (self-drafting instructions) and a few leggings or pants (maybe following this tutorial) would be a good next step. I’ve seen bamboo at Designer Fabrics, so that might be good to work up to.

It’s a little hard to play around with patterns at home. Two of our cats love interfering with anything that involves concentration and flat surfaces, so sketching things on large pieces of paper sounds like an exercise in shooing them off. With the laser cutter, though, I can use Inkscape to draft and tweak the patterns, cut them precisely and reliably, and then sew them up to test the fit. If I’m lucky, I might even be able to use the sewing machine at Hacklab, further shortening the learning period.

It feels like such an odd luxury to pay attention to this instead of, say, spending the time consulting or programming or writing. But I think there might be something to the idea of infusing everyday objects with joy. I like wearing the tops I’ve sewn, as simple as they are. They remind me that:

  • I can learn things (even if I tried before and couldn’t figure things out),
  • I can make things (as simple or as neat as I want – so yes, straightforward curves, but what the heck, let’s French seam everything), and
  • I never have to worry about things being out of style or out of stock again.

The peach one I’ve just sewn – the one from laser-cut pieces – adds even more meaning:

  • I can incorporate new tools into my interests
  • I should remember to test my assumptions. Sometimes there’s a much easier way to do things!
  • I can work on applying technology to everyday life and little luxuries, and other people are interested in this too

There’s something in here about getting more out of each moment, and I’m curious about that. =)

Starting from a small life

The impression I get from people’s descriptions of their lives or careers is that many people (or at least the ones who talk about stuff like this) go for a big goal. They want to influence lots of people. They want to make a big difference. Sometimes it works out really well, but there are plenty of cautionary tales too: people who get what they strove for, but who’ve sacrificed their health, happiness, or relationships along the way.

It seems, based on the prevalence of these cautionary tales, that it’s quite rare to find healthy ambition. This is an assumption, though. Is it true or false? I think it might be false. There are probably lots of examples of people who dream big and have wonderful, happy lives, but they don’t get written about as much. (Something about news and schadenfreude, maybe?)

Anyway, an alternative might be to start small and build a solid foundation along the way. If I look around, I can see lots of good examples of this, although people some are more deliberate about it than others are. Instead of moving towards a specific, large goal that’s a big jump from your current positions, you develop capabilities and gradually expand in interesting directions.

2015-03-06c Growing slowly from a solid foundation -- index card #purpose #influence #success #growth

2015-03-06c Growing slowly from a solid foundation – index card #purpose #influence #success #growth

You start with a solid foundation of self-care. You cultivate a good community around you, and then you grow at a sustainable rate.

I used to have hang-ups about opportunity costs or wasted potential. Now I reason that if I don’t get around to figuring out XYZ because I’m growing too slowly, someone else is probably going to figure it out, or it wasn’t needed anyway.

Another danger, perhaps, is complacency. After all, if you’re growing outwards from a strength or a position of comfort, it’s easy to say: “Why not just stay here a little longer?”

I think it helps to think of some skills or areas you can improve at each stage, since you’ll be making progress on multiple stages all the time anyway. It’s not like you’ll master self-care and then move on to relationships. You learn a little of one, you try a little of another, and you build up different areas gradually.

2015-03-06d What does that progression look like -- index card #growth #success #purpose

2015-03-06d What does that progression look like – index card #growth #success #purpose

For example, I’m pretty happy with my self-care skills of understanding, being happy, learning, and reflecting. If I get better at health, everything gets better too. I’m getting the hang of enjoying vegetables, and I’m back to biking – yay! Similarly, I can practise getting better at thoughtfulness in close relationships, and at asking for help in terms of connecting with a small community. For expanding the communities I’m in, I can practise sharing tips and lessons learned.

Another thought about slow progress: it might be okay even if I’m taking things more slowly than I think other people do (or that a hypothetical Sacha might do). If I’m accelerating, I can do interesting things later on. So, that leads to these questions: Am I accelerating? If so, how?

2015-03-06e Am I accelerating - If so, how -- index card #growth #success #acceleration

2015-03-06e Am I accelerating – If so, how – index card #growth #success #acceleration

Compared to myself from five or ten years ago, I think I’m improving my self-care skills at a faster rate. Learning more about tools for thinking has helped, and I’m picking up life skills too. In terms of close relationships, I’m accelerating in terms of W- and local friends, but not in terms of family and friends in the Philippines. In terms of a tribe or small community, I think Hangouts accelerate things a little, and so does asking questions or thinking things through out loud. In terms of community, I accelerated more over the past few years (experiments with publishing and knowledge management) than I have in the past few months, but there might be ways I can play with that.

Back when I was a whiz kid (probably like most people who were into programming at an early age), I occasionally thought about those fast-growth success stories like 30 Under 30 (or 40 under 40, or Young Presidents’ Organization, or…). There’s something to be said about being on the fast track, demonstrating momentum. The narrative is clear. The goal burns bright. It’s easy to prioritize.

This other path of slow growth and neighbouring possibilities has its own challenges. It’s easy to get distracted and drift. I’m curious if I can do it well, and what I can learn from the process. I imagine that if it plays out beautifully, I’ll have a rich tapestry of a life while being able to trace the threads that connect the different sections. People are great at rationalization, so I can connect the dots going backwards.

In the meantime, looking forward, I imagine that I’ll grow steadily and solidly, with the occasional leap enabled by trust and safety nets, and with a community of people I admire, learn from, and help. I imagine that my impact will grow as I develop my capabilities, so I don’t accidentally end up screwing up thousands of people’s lives or wasting millions of people’s time. It might feel embarrassingly slow at moments (or even most of the time), as I take tiny steps or cover the same ground. But it’s a life, and it might be an interesting one.

If I’m curious about this path, how can I explore it more effectively? I’ve sketched a few areas to focus on, so I can work on those. And then there’s reminding myself that it’s okay to write about the small steps, the lessons learned, the reviews… Let’s see how it works out!

Related: